Why it Works.

There is definitely a part of me that I've kept so deep inside of me that people around me would never guess and yet it has remained so loud in my head. I've dealt with it in many, many ways, but I became so used to keeping it rooted deep inside myself. People only saw the very tip on the surface, but even then, they would have no idea. I've put on an image of who I long to be and wish to be and for the most part it played out very well. I stood up for my beliefs, I stood strong with my morals, I know my value and my worth--it really didn't affect anyone but myself.

And then my first relationship happened. My first real, more-than-friends, it-finally-happened, relationship. And all my values, beliefs, and the things I mentally prepared myself for were finally put to the test at nearly 25 years old. By this amount of years of waiting for a moment like that to happen, you can imagine how much knowledge I've managed to store in my head about what I believe a relationship will be like. And you can also imagine how terrifying it must be to realize that the guy I stood face to face with after all these years probably didn't raise himself the same as me. And you can also guess how incredibly awkward this would be for me.

But is it a bad awkward? Not so much. It's a story worth telling though about my journey in figuring out what works and what doesn't work about this way of growing. Sometimes I question this delay for myself. Why didn't anyone come along when I was 18, 19, 20 or 21 and allow me to begin this process? And I can very well ask God why it happened to me at 25. But it won't matter how many questions I ask because it won't change the truth about my story. This is me and this is what makes my life special and different than anyone else's.

You're probably wondering what that part of me that I kept deep is, but let's get some back story. I was always known as a fairly "innocent" and "pure" person. If considering the Bible, one could think, "What a good way to live." But to the world, I became a misfit. People censored themselves around me, I didn't stir up conversations about anything I was uncomfortable with, I didn't talk about certain things with family, and I got used to speaking the language I already knew. By language, I mean all the things in my vocabulary and all the categories on the "okay list."

My mom was a fairly private person and therefore my sister and I were raised to be the same. My dad didn't actually relate to two girls, so his influence was in other areas, not so much how it's like to become a woman, or what happens to the body as you grow. It really wasn't a problem in most of my life until I hit my twenties and I found myself a bit dumbfounded in group conversations about things I wasn't entirely educated on. I even find myself failing to write down specifics in this blog because of how reserved and private I grew up to be. To me, there were a few things in life I thought were only meant to be in the mind and not shared with the world.

But I was alone. And at 25, I started feeling more alone. Would I ever know if a certain bodily function was normal if I kept it private and told no one? Would I ever feel comfortable going to the doctor's if it required me to be examined in areas of my body I've learned to keep private from absolutely everyone but myself? Would I know if a feeling I received was normal? Would I be mad at myself for thinking about things that felt "wrong" just because my 5, 10, 15 year old self thought so? Where do I transition from the necessary innocence of my youth to the growth of my adulthood? What areas do I bring forth as worthy to talk about and what areas are okay to stay private?

The questions started hitting me. The research started helping me. Articles online, videos, chatting with a close friend and opening up for the first time--everything started making me realize that I no longer fit into the main crowd. I was still standing in my childhood room with the door shut and I found myself cracking it open and thinking, "Wait, why am I still here?"

Over the past few years, especially entering my twenties and returning to college, I started to recognize that people around me were already subtly judging me for my innocence and lack of openness toward certain subjects. They would make comments like, "Sorry, Stephanie, that you had to hear that." Or, "Sorry, Stephanie, your poor little innocent ears." And they had one thing right--you should be considerate of those around you. But they had one thing wrong--why aren't they questioning why it's fine for themselves, but not fine for me?

I had my reasonings and I'll briefly explain. I'd rather talk about things that last forever--like God, people, love, etc. I spent so much time with this on my mind that fitting into the world was last on my list. But somewhere during the time that I did grow up into my individual self with my individual beliefs (although highly influenced by my upbringing), I chose what was most important to me and I followed that belief and put it to practice. No one around me, no matter what age, was going to fear I'd say something "inappropriate" or "rude." They could trust that my speech and  behavior was family friendly. But still, no matter what, I was even more alone. Who lived their life this way anymore?

So this brings me back to my first relationship that has challenged me beyond measure to really share who I really am and I never knew it would actually be this hard. I worked on myself for many, many years of being single and I've never been put to the test to answer one simple question: Can I know you? And now, at nearly 4 months into a relationship with someone I met 3 years ago, I've learned that sharing who you really are is one of the hardest and most time-consuming things you could ever do when you actually care to do it right. When you're single, no one needs to know what's on your mind to figure out why you're so private. But when suddenly player two steps into the picture, everything changes and I question myself and realize that I can mentally prepare myself as much as I want and spent thousands of hours learning how to be someone for a future relationship, or how to become ready to be a wife someday but there is one thing you cannot prepare yourself for and that's physically. There is no telling how you'll actually feel when it actually happens and how you'll actually respond. And that's the base of this blog, a long one indeed, to share with you the journey I've endured so far.


I've rooted it deep down inside my soul on what physical touch means to me and what I imagine having someday in a marriage. All that people knew of me now was who I am as an individual who is not married. Most, if not all, of my friends had the basic knowledge of, "Oh, she's one to wait until marriage before having sex." And that's basically all they know. That's good enough for them to know, of course, but at the same time I've began to really see that this image they give of me leaves a lot of room for "fill-in-the-blanks" and that's basically what an average, normal human being in your life does. They fill in the blanks.

"Stephanie doesn't like PDA, so she must not like that sort of affection." The truth about this sentence is that I don't like watching others make it awkward for me, but the lie and filled in blank is that they might think I don't like that sort of affection. The truth to reveal that I would otherwise keep to myself is that I had never previously received that sort of attention and couldn't actually relate to dismiss it. Sure, it's still awkward if people decide to use public space for things that should be done privately, but most couples in public aren't trying to be put on display to disturb anyone. The psychology, in my opinion, behind their behavior in public is that they're proud of who they're with and they somehow want the world to know that--whether we want to know or not! And when that idea is the case, I was merely lacking to relate, but internally I would have loved to receive affection, even if not publicly.

I won't give any more examples of that, as I have much more to say, but you can imagine I've had plenty of assumptions made about me. The image drawn of me as being shy, reserved, or modest, was given to me because of who I chose to show on the outside mixed in with how I was raised and what I was raised around. I'm rather proud of myself for many of my decisions in life, but I've been somehow altered by the judgmental reviews along the way. A person's lack to dig deep and hear me out keeps me giving surface answers because if I opened up that door to them they would say something along the lines of, "Whoa! Stephanie! I never heard you speak like this!" Or, as I've received before, they would make a big deal over something that they believed I didn't know about. I'm not a puppet on display, and no one can decide what I can and cannot say--and I'm guilty for letting such behavior control how open or non-open I was. I was afraid to change my image.

In fear of changing my image, I kept most thoughts to myself. And then, as I've mentioned, my relationship I'm in right now challenged that part of me. But somehow, his personality and openness really does work with me. He challenges me so much, as hard as it might be on his part, and that is exactly what I needed to grow into someone more open about who I am and what I want. If he were just as private and reserved as me, we'd be two individuals with desires in our minds and hearts and yet no action being taken. But this young man is not shy to put action to his thoughts and it helps me feel hope--that my desires in my own head have someone else pulling and pulling to help me bring them to the surface.

Excuse me for my hesitancy and slow pace, but bless him for his patience. The deepest and most hidden thoughts have surrounded my conscious thinking and taken over so much so that I find them begging to be shared and set free and he helps me feel unashamed. Not that my thoughts are shameful, but that they clash with my younger, innocent mindset and image I was so very used to. Now that I am older, I have never actually had anyone challenge me in this way, as if to constantly be asking, "What are you thinking? What's on your mind? Why won't you tell me?" For any guys who wonder why we think so much, it's because a woman's mind never truly sleeps. And because of that, sometimes it's hard to know what comes out in verbal language and what stays hidden under in a very loud mind.

With all of this background information now placed out in the open, I'd like to continue explaining my journey of dealing with the inner thoughts of very private person. I'm curious of who could benefit from this story and who has endured a fairly similar journey, but I have some doubts that the numbers are even significant. Either way, I've got some secrets to tell that honestly no longer have to be secrets. Sure, I have my secrets like everyone else, and I also have private things I only share between close friends or family. But these "secrets" I'm referring to are most like things I never thought I had to share.

Although there is no need to be completely open in a blog, as I will do most of my opening up in person, I still felt it was good for me to write this down and share the struggles I've been through. It's not easy keeping things in your head and then one day feeling like you allowed your boyfriend to believe you don't want him because he can't hear a single thought in your head of what you actually want. Having the desires without the actions is like having nothing at all in the eyes of others.

So let's get a little deeper. I grew up believing sex came after marriage, and I still hold onto that fact because to me, sex is intimate and should be fully enjoyed with a person you're fully committed to. Marriage is the ultimate commitment, therefore I know I would like to be fully open, vulnerable, and give all of myself to the person who saw that I came at a high price and was willing to pay without trying to "get me on sale" or "test before buying." I'm a treasure, not a discount item and I also don't want to end up at the Goodwill store, used and devalued. I'm valuable. God made me this way and I recognize that.

But what about the waiting period? Is it easy? The only easy part about not being close or physical with anyone for the entire time I was single (we've established this was nearly 25 years of my life) is the fact that I never opened the door so I sort of never knew what I was missing out on. The hard part is becoming even more impatient the older I get and realizing that no one even knows the struggle I'm going through. I found it normal to keep it to myself--in fact, I didn't even think about the fact that I was doing it. But I was. And the louder my thoughts became, the harder it got.

Like most people on the planet, I do desire to be close and intimate with a significant other and my dreams have always contained marriage. In fact, I only mentally prepared myself for the idea of marriage, and within those walls contained all the things I looked forward to and was willing to wait on. This has caused a build up. A normal build up for those who tend to dream and wait on things, but a build up that went on far too long while I simultaneously endured rejection.

My rejection didn't come from putting myself out there and risking it--no. It came in a long, stretched-out journey of slowly falling in love with a friend. We had our boundaries, and I grew from age 17 to 21 getting to know him in just a friendship. Emotionally, I was on a rollercoaster ride and I taught myself how to love someone when they didn't quite love you the same  back. Because I learned this, I learned the beauty in unconditional love--a love God gives to everyone that doesn't choose  Him in return. I learned the pain in it all and how God's love is endless. It was a beautiful thing to learn, but also very critical to my heart.

With this rather broken heart, I physically distanced myself from this friend and we even stopped hugging. I knew how to love him anyway without physical touch. By the time I was 21, I finally lost those feelings and moved on from him, forgiving him for the things he didn't mean to cause in my life. My experience only contained loving, but not "touching," as so to speak. But I still knew that someday, someone would come along, and someday it would  be worth the wait. What I didn't know is how incredibly hard it would be to basically reverse the effect of learning how to not physically interact with a guy (besides friendly hugs) and allowing the love language of physical touch to be spoken.

Maybe others might think, "Why is it so hard for you to initiate with your boyfriend?" (For example, initiating cuddling, holding hands, a kiss, etc). And my honest response is, "I don't know!" But as I dig deeper into who I am, I see that the desires were never told to me that they're okay. In fact, they weren't okay at all in my life up until this first relationship. Which means, my natural behavior is to keep my hands to myself, and not cross boundaries. Having the knowledge that it's okay, that I'm in a relationship and that he wants me to be close and comfortable doesn't make my body language suddenly become fluent. But this also doesn't mean I don't want it or desire it anymore. I do desire it, just as I always have, but I have to slowly erase the thoughts and feelings I gained for about 7 years of my life staying physically distant. No guy has come into my life to say they want it from me, to say it's okay, up until recently. This means...it's finally time I can learn it's okay. It's finally time I can break that shell and fall into arms that will actually catch me.

But I am still left with my thoughts and desires in my head; to be near, to be close, and I failed to express them physically which means I must speak up and not be left so alone with my thoughts. Just like some people never learned French and then chose to learn, I never learned how to be in a relationship with a guy and now chose to learn. It's hard at first, it's awkward, you pronounce things wrong, come across the wrong way, give the wrong message, but in the end, you learn it. And then you can speak it well. And my heart has every desire to learn this language with him and speak it well. The more he and I learn, the better our communication. This analogy is the best I could give.

I am now learning how important physical touch actually is to me. I have fought off my desires to take hold of "his" hand or to embrace "him" when I was happy. For years and years, I have fought this all. Fighting it away was all I knew until my entire world was changed and suddenly my poor, shy, and hesitant behavior was seen as negative and hurtful and I've now woken up to realize that escaping my mind and teaching my body how to speak the language I want it to speak is extremely important to not only me, but the one I choose to love. I do ask him to understand my struggle, but I don't blame him for noticing and possibly feeling rejected at times.

Because this is happening at 25 years old, one can imagine how much build-up happened over the years. I could only dream and imagine what it'd be like to be close to someone. I always knew that someday I'd be physically close and intimate with my husband and it sounded beautiful and desirable. The dreams were crushed over and over, but I dreamt them up more and more no matter my circumstances because feeling physically close meant a lot to me. And even though all I knew was myself, I knew someday I'd have to let someone else know me. And I mean know me beyond the surface. And I wouldn't have to be shy or quiet about my thoughts, or feeling silly over them. I would tell him everything and we would be one--he would see me in my entirety as his own, the way I see myself, and I would see all of him the way he sees himself. We would just know each other.

This is so very important to me, to have that openness, to feel that comfort, to desire and be desired in return. I no longer want to stay silent and hide who I am on the inside like I did when I was younger. I want to be able to act out what I can only imagine, and feel okay with it. I no longer want to fear it's wrong, but feel confident that it's okay. We're all human, after all. We each go through similar feelings, similar wants, and similar hurts. It took a while for this day to come, but it did. I needed a push, someone to trust, and courage to finally say, "This is who I really am."

It's interesting to be in a relationship with someone who is almost on the entire opposite side of the spectrum in this area. But this is why it works for me. As he challenges me by pulling and pulling, I finally am able to work up the nerve to learn how to be comfortable with something out loud, instead of in my head. When we first got together, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to initiate the things I wanted to do or the things I wanted to talk about. It was never right for me and then suddenly I was supposed to feel it was and I couldn't feel that yet. I always dreamed of holding someone's hand, but I never reached for his until he surprised me and held mine.

I like to look back at the beginning of our relationship because I can see that shy, fearful girl begging to be set free and I see that confident, happy boy who somehow knew I needed him to pull me out from where I resided in for far too long. I asked him not to let me let go of his hand that day and he held on tighter. I guess I knew from the start he'd be my escape and he'd help open the door for me to experience what it's like to be held. Everyday I find more courage to speak out my thoughts with him and let him know when I still need his hand to pull me out even more. And when I see myself reaching over to hold him closer, I recognize the growth and I feel even more freedom.

I never got to really let myself enjoy someone else's company the way I am learning to enjoy his. The more I practice speaking the language, the easier it is to truly show him who I am and who I've been trying to explain all this time. The more I tell him, the more I open up, the happier his eyes become and the greater I feel. I'm thankful for his patience as I struggle to leave my shell. But the way he was made works so well with the struggles I've been through. Because he doesn't let me stay in my comfort zone.

When Your Rocky Road isn't Ice Cream.

We have come across a few bumps in the road. The bumps can be unnerving at first and uncomfortable. They can place fear in the mind that something is wrong. But what I'm now learning is these bumps happen from mistakes that are made and mistakes are made because that's how we actually learn the greatest things in life. I'm also learning how very common and normal these road bumps are. They're like a way of saying, "Slow down. Get to know this level, this area, this time. This path doesn't need to be taken at full speed." I see that there is no need to fear or be overwhelmed when you take God on your path. Just like you make a lot of mistakes when learning a new instrument or a new language, the same applies to learning how to pursue a relationship with someone.

My last seven years were spent feeling like I wasn't allowed to have feelings for someone. They were spent trying to "run" from that. If for seven years I felt hateful toward the ability to have desires for more with someone, then surely it would take quite a lengthy amount of time to reverse that effect. And was it my fault for becoming a person with this sort of brokenness? No, it wasn't. What happened just happened to me and God has chosen to use my story for good because I've given my life to Him. My worth is high because He has created me and although I suffered emotional pain for years due to unfortunate circumstances, He has placed in me the needed love and patience to tell a story no one else could tell. I am able to empathize in many emotional areas with others because this world is not perfect and no one will get through it without facing trials along the way.

But I have now accepted the invitation to dive deeper into the life of another human being. And now I see his natural behavior coming out and I see who he really is and it has come as a rather shock. But as I see this person come out more and more, I realize how deep the Father's love for us is. Because when this young man accidentally and unintentionally hurts my feelings, I want to fight for him even more and love him nonetheless. I want to solve our problems along the way, even if it gets overwhelming. I must understand how very new this is to me. Because the truth is...I've never been able to know someone this way. I've never seen what goes beyond friendship until now and I've never experienced what it's like to be loved and pursued in return.

The reality of the matter is that I only had an idea of it. I built up the idea with the books I read, the stories I heard, and the movies I've seen. We never do get to hear the struggles in relationships when they're still good. We tend to only hear the struggles in bad relationships that don't last. And we fail to understand that we as humans have the choice to love and fight for someone, or instead we can just "be ourselves" without learning how to love others. Loving someone and choosing to do so comes with great effort. It will NOT come naturally when we meet the "perfect" person because that sort of person will never exist except for in our heads when we imagine all the great qualities we've met in each person we've come across or read about. This allows the people of today to become lazy when it comes to relationships.

Someone might say, "Eh, I like to do this, I like to do that, I don't do this, I don't do that, I want this, I want that, and we just didn't work out." But a relationship isn't about what you want. It's about learning how to love someone else and understand what THEY need. And that's what makes it special and different than an acquaintance, family member, friend, or co-worker. If all you can do is think of yourself and what you want and need, then all you need is yourself. It's sad to say, but I believe people who aren't willing to become selfless are people that shouldn't pursue a committed relationship with anyone.

I am not afraid of the bumps in the road or the times we accidentally hurt each other's feelings. I am  not afraid because as long as I choose to work it out and find a way that works and as long as he longs to do the same, then I truly believe that we are learning from each other and teaching each other how to love no matter what. We are helping each other think of the other and not be so stubborn in our own ways as a selfish person would be. We are growing to become so much more and what started off as a song full of mistakes played on the piano can turn into a masterpiece and wonderful melody if we only just have the patience to learn the song.

And that's what I've realized. I like the song we're learning because we're learning it together and nobody but us can sing it or play along. When troubles come our way, I must not forget to think of all the good things at the same time. Not just the bad when I am hurt, but the good when I forget. So here goes:

I like the way his eyes shine when he simply looks at me, as if he knows exactly what he's doing when our eyes meet. I like the way he is easily amazed and can laugh at my jokes even when I don't feel funny. I like when we pretend to fall asleep at random times or when he reacts to me playing dead. I like when he turns off the TV while we eat dinner so that the moment is more special with less distractions. I love when he holds my hand while he's driving, while we're in church, while we're at the movies, and while we're walking somewhere. I love when he holds me in a hug and tells me how much he enjoyed the day. I like that when I'm not feeling too happy, he'll still come over to me and wrap his arms around me if only for just a moment.

I love when he asks me what I'm thinking and when he doesn't give up on getting it out of me. I like when he's willing to talk about a problem so we can solve it rather than being silent. I like when he calls me randomly or asks how my day is going. I like when he plans out a day for us and makes it an adventure. I like laying next to him on the couch to watch a movie or show. I love how often he gives me many kisses, because even though I was never used to anyone getting that close to me or my face, I like that he's the one I experience that with now.

I like that he's not a morning person because he's quiet when he wakes and I'm perfectly content just smiling or whispering, "I had weird dreams..." and he'll say he had dreams too and I'll ask him to share. I love when he shares his dreams from the night before. I also love when he shares his dreams and goals in life and how he dreams big and not small. I love when he wears the shirts I bought him, but he looks good in anything, really. I love when the idea of a photo shoot excites him, because I can invite him into my world that I previously kept to myself. I love when he is clumsy and drops stuff on himself because it's cute, but also because it reminds me of my dad. I love that he has plans on getting a house someday and doesn't want to settle for less.

I love how willing he is to travel just about anywhere in the world. I like that he's so smart with what's going on in the world and our country. I like when he explains to me things I may not fully understand. I love when he sits next to me at the piano and encourages me to keep playing, especially when I mess up. I love when he gives me bear hugs and picks me up. I especially love when he speaks the words "I love you" at random moments, even if it's rare. I love that after we have a deep discussion, he'll tell me I'm amazing.

I love when he is amazed by me because I love him the way he is, and I simply pray I can show that even more as we continue to get to know each other.

So despite these unfortunate moments that are bound to happen in any new relationship, especially two people who are very new to it, there are still the very good moments that got me to agree in the first place. Every "argument" or "disagreement" is actually a new opportunity to learn how to love that person even more and in different ways. I am specifically learning how to love him according to his unique characteristics and attributes as a person. The more I know him, the more he becomes special to me because no one else is choosing to know him in this same way except me, allowing me to gain more power to either build or break him. And of course, I choose to build him.

It was rocky for a while, and it may still be rocky as we continue to learn. But I have a feeling that if we stick to it, it'll be worth it in the end because time tends to strengthen things. He's my favorite human being and I appreciate every ounce of effort he puts into our relationship. Love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for. :)

Imagination to Reality's Firsts.

My life lately is filled with a lot of firsts. I went over twenty-four years of my life learning and growing to be me, to succeed, to believe, to trust, and to simply live. But the journey I entered into over a month ago is the most interesting and different experience of my life yet. Because, well, it involves another human being who is completely out of my control yet closer to my heart. I'm learning the difference between my imagination and reality. And honestly, I have nothing to go off of when it comes to reality except for my previous dreams.

Allow me to elaborate. In my daydreams, the scenarios I created were based on non-existent experiences. Being held in a hug, holding hands, falling in love, expressing feelings, being kissed--I mean, how would I ever know? Are they really the way I imagine? In reality, as I slowly experience something new, I cannot determine whether it's supposed to be awkward, uncomfortable, scary, or completely fine. I could very well be experiencing these moments exactly the way every other human being experienced them for the first time. And I just wouldn't know because I inevitably compared them to my made-up dreams.

This is the most frustrating and amazing part of it all though. To get my mind to realize that how I'm experiencing it now is how it is supposed to be. It is not meant to be the way I played it out in my head because I simply made all of that up. I cannot watch two people on a screen and think of how they feel based on how they looked. I may very well look completely comfortable holding his hand or arm in public, but little do the people around me know that it has taken me time and practice to let it feel natural (in fact I'm still working on it).

When he gets close to me, I feel like my personal space has been invaded, yet in my imagination I've dreamt up plenty of times how I'd handle his nearness. But the more that time passes, the better I feel, and the better I feel, the easier it becomes to make up how reality will potentially feel for the still awaited "firsts" to come. And I have no intention to make it a to-do-list of things to experience and check off just because I've waited this long.

No. This journey I'm taking is a journey of determining if I can actually trust this other human being with my heart or not, and if he will stay and protect it. Because if he has no intention to stay, then I have no reason to completely attach myself to him or give anything special to me away. I value myself and God values me. I'm not meant to be a "test run" or someone to practice on. I'm a real, live, breathing human being with a beating heart. And the same goes for him. He is not my guinea pig, he is not a practice run--no. He is real and I care deeply for him. I love learning with him, I do, but my care is real. I mean everything that I do.

I know his life so well now, and I have every intention to learn more. When it gets overwhelming to know another human, I get through it and then I want to know more again. The more comfortable I become with each step he takes closer to me, the better I feel to let him be physically near me. I have cared for him for so long now and it's so hard to get myself to believe that he's letting me know him even deeper, and even more.

I didn't wait this long for a relationship to simply waste my time. I didn't wait this long to agree to just anyone. I was looking for a best friend and I found that in him.




I hope you stay.

One Month.

I honestly believe that life with you is entirely worth writing about. Not just because you are the most unique human being I have come across, but because I happen to love our story. You see, life with you is like a movie to me. It has so much potential to end up in a script that is like no other.

And when I'm out and about at a new place with you, I feel like I'm making it all up in my head. I love how amateur we can be at our relationship because it makes me feel like we are learning at the same time; to speak a language we're not fluent in. But I'm not scared to learn this new language with you. I'm not trying to find my way out when it gets tough, or when you fail me in little moments. I'm here to see your growth and I'm here to stay as long as you'll have me.

Days spent with you go by fast, but are always worth the wait in between. Sometimes I fall out of belief and I cannot get my mind to accept that you and I are true. I realize more and more what issues I must face the longer this continues. I realize I cannot get myself to believe anyone would be excited to see me the way you now express your excitement. And when we see each other once again, your eyes light up brighter each new day.

I could very well be dreaming this, but I know it's true. In my head I have all the confidence in the world and in reality I shyly hold your hand and silently compliment you. I'm not used to belonging to anyone in any way. I'm not used to being cared for by a man. And although I know I can be loyal and I know I can be loving, I'm not used to living a life that actually matters to someone with the actions I take.

I have no intention to hide anything from you, nor do I intend to go behind your back and hurt you. I have no intention to make you jealous or lose your trust. I know for a fact that I can keep a promise and I know for a fact that I will never lie to you. I have no need to let my eyes wander or my heart wonder about any other strange man that comes in my path.

Because as long as I'm committed to you, you're the only book I choose to read. And I will study you as long as you're in my life.

One month later, I'm still excited to know you more in this deeper way beyond friendship. Three years ago, I had no idea you were about to show up in my life. I'm so glad we met.

And Just Like That.

And just like that, you changed my world. I was going to consider walking away, moving on, and seeking that beauty in someone else and you hooked me. But how could I say no to you? I've followed your life for over two years and on that third year I knew leaving you behind was going to be the biggest and hardest task of my life yet. But you gathered me into your arms and you decided to hold me. You decided to face your fear and you chose me.

The days have gone by and I still can't fully believe it happened yet. I cannot believe you let your world know that you chose me. I stare at our picture one too many times asking myself, "Is this really real?" Do you even know how much you changed my world? Do you know how afraid I was to lose you again and to instead somehow receive you in an even closer manner?

And now we go about this new relationship, building it slowly but surely, and I keep missing you on the days we are apart. I want to know you more in this way, but we become so distant throughout the  busy weekdays. I realize now that we are committing to put forth more effort than just friendship. We are committing to know each other at a deeper level and pay even closer attention. But in a sense it feels like we're too new at this, that you'll revert back to treating me as your friend, and that I'll be standing here alone half the time.

But I do have faith in us. I know I can do this and I know you can too. I know we can learn together and I know we can work to work it out.

Why would you have chosen to change my world knowing I would put my whole heart into it? Why else would you do it but to be loved by me? And through this, will you learn to love me? Will you see me for who I am, deep down inside? Will I be captivating and wonderful to you as time goes on? Will I get what I deserve, for the treasure God knows that I am? If you hold me now, will you keep holding on or will you let go?

I was willing to let you figure yourself out, figure out your feelings, figure out your intentions and desires... I was willing to let you do this before anyone else could ever know the decision we made. But you publicized our decision into a relationship and we've got everyone believing this is genuinely true. We've got friends and family supporting this decision and I have no desire to ever let them down. I want to know you more and hold you tighter than ever, but I'm still sitting here trying to figure out if you mean it completely or not.

I have hopes that you'll still fall in love with me now because it seems as though you're finally letting yourself explore that possible path. You make me feel comforted when you hold me and the warmth of your hand is now my favorite touch. You take it slow, and I wouldn't want it any other way, but it's hard for me not to continue to want more and more of your time and touch. This is so human of me, to want these things after such a long wait. And here you are, someone I can slowly call mine, and I'm still not used to it.

But it all happened. We talked, we debated, we discussed, we questioned--it all happened so quickly. You were standing there at my door and all doubt beamed through your eyes. Your words had no hope, your questions were hard to answer, and I couldn't stay there with you. I got up to run, I turned to escape that place, and you grabbed hold of my hand as if to say, "Wait!" And that love I still held for your very existence waited just for you.

And just like that, you changed my world. You gave me a chance to be loved in return.

You.

You're an odd one, you really are. Somehow you keep coming back and now you've admitted that you are the reason. You are holding on to me and I know you are now. Despite the negativity in your life, you see that I remain consistently calm and forgiving. You could walk away, or I could temporarily give up on you, but once you come crawling back broken, I can't ignore you. I am your helper, staying by your side when no one else is and I am the one willing to listen to you. I didn't know I'd become this, and yet at the same time I clandestinely did.

You don't dismiss me when I'm difficult, you apologize and come down to my level and understand me. And even when it takes many, many words to do so, you still always meet me there. You're not perfect, you're life isn't all together, and you're often at a low. But you're real and I can't seem to forget you. I try so hard not to dive deep into your heart, not to ask how you actually feel, but you leave me wondering no matter how long I try not to care.

And this new fear has found me. Knowing I cannot care this deeply for two people at once, I fear that if I find someone new to take care of and to help, I might not be able to be close to you anymore. And if that's the case, you'll have to let me go. But then I fear that I will still, somehow, love you and you only. And maybe I won't. Maybe I'll move on and maybe I'll watch you fade from my life. But so far you just keep coming back.

Of all the people in the world, you have become my one special human being that I wonder the most about. I see you as a whole, yet I see all your pieces too, and I keep thinking I'm supposed to keep you. But see, you bring me back to this place. You pull me in and hold me there in such a way that I cannot leave without making a scene. You'll notice me when I'm gone and I have no idea what that would mean to you. I try to see this as a friendship, but it feels like the potential of so much more. And that confuses me. That bothers me. That scares me.

It brings tears to me eyes. Will you keep coming back? Or one day will that stop? It brings tears to my eyes because I am the only person in your life right now who you can sit down with and share all your secrets, all your thoughts, and all your struggles. You have given me such a huge role in your life that I know it will take a while before anyone else can fill these shoes I've walked in for you. And will they? Will you find someone willing to take my place? Because if you do, I'll surely have to step aside and let you go.

I want to say it's going to be all right, but I honestly do not know where this will go. We've invested time in each other's lives, and I know you so well that I know exactly how to hurt you. I hold that power and I choose not to use it because I still care. And when you hurt me, you fix it. When you disappoint me, you come and talk to me. When I'm angry, you listen. But when I'm silent, you disappear and I just hope you'll return like you always do. I hope. I wonder. I assume.

What we have with each other is an extremely challenged relationship with two people often accidentally making it work. We have bullets coming our way and we survive. We keep surviving, we keep forgiving, and we keep loving as if we have to. But we don't have to. We never had to. You come back to me and I only wonder why because I crave an adventurous buddy for life. I crave a companion and I don't know if I should be finding that in you. I don't know if I should see that in you. I don't know what God is capable of with us, and I don't know what you're willing to open up to.

You say you don't want to be alone, but you say you're afraid. You're afraid to commit in fear you'll stop caring. And yet I cannot get my mind to understand how you can keep coming back as if you haven't stopped needing me; as if you haven't stopped wanting me. And I don't know if you understand what you're building with me. I don't know if you see our growth, our adaptation with each other, and our reflections in each other's eyes. I don't know if you can see your willingness to make things right with me, to spend that time with me, and to let me love you the way I do.

But I've learned through you that I am capable of holding on tight. I learned I am capable of learning how another human being is and making it work. I am capable of relationships.

Most of all, I learned that the day I met you face to face, my heart knew correctly that you would be important. I know when I pointed you out. I knew when I found you. I knew when I was bold enough to go the miles and I knew when you hugged me for the first time. I knew you were going to be a big part of my life and although I wasn't scared at the time, I am scared now.

I am scared because I know you so well. I am scared because you are out of my control. I am scared because you were set apart in my life by a powerful God who could do absolutely anything through this. My faith remains in Him and my hope remains in Him. But you hold so much power in your own hands. You can stay. You can go. You can commit. You can give up. You can doubt. You can love. You can make a choice.

You're back, and that's really all I know for now.

Moment of Weakness.

I wonder what sort of joy and happiness could be in proportion to the years of off and on pain and heartache. I wonder what "greater things have yet to come" after the years of never quite feeling it has come. I wonder if it's possible to also feel that joy and temporary happiness for a longer period of time than what I am used to. If I spent years fighting, searching, and yearning, then a day of happiness stands no match to fight off those years. What could possibly make up for it all?

And this is what I pray, even if just silently, almost every day. Every time I look up at the sky when I am alone it's like this unspoken prayer goes up into Heaven and I accept yet again where I now stand. I look back and wonder how my life could have turned out the way it has. So many unfortunate happenstances and this prolonged sulk that I too often fought away. But I've come to this silent point where I've run out of energy to fight. There are nights I stare up at the stars and the moon and I whisper to God what it is I'm longing for. I question Him what is going on in my heart and why is it that I cannot feel happy.

This is why I wonder now what joy could come along and how long will it take? I watch television shows and get sucked into the story and attached to the characters now because I get to live a more exciting, adventurous life through them. I realize how lost I get in such a non-existent world and feel even more pathetic. I think about what choices I could have made to change all of this and I fail to understand. I feel so incredibly alone in all of my decisions, as if I don't live a life anyone else would be happy to join along in. There are individuals I'd love to be around to feel better with, but they now reside miles and miles away from me, and I have to accept the "loss."

I am tired, and I am admitting how incredibly tired I am from fighting all of these emotions away. I keep thinking I'm letting go and giving it all to God, and after another year goes by, I feel like nothing was ever accomplished except more pain and sorrow. When a new smiling face comes along and I feel like I am no longer alone, I get to witness their departure and I wonder who is worth holding on to. I never mean to sound so negative and I never mean to sound so alone, but after about 7 years of experience such similar feelings and disatisfaction, I can't help but wonder as a Christian why I can't seem to grasp a happiness with God.

My joy with Him has come and gone, and yet He's the only One to keep me sane. He's my refuge and strength, and yet I feel like it's a dying relationship because my idea of a proper "relationship" is nothing I'm experiencing in real life. I have this poor image of what friendship is now and this poor image of everything concerning people. I have family at home that I parted from to pursue an education and now have the hardest time saying goodbye when I leave after a visit. This is because I've failed to fit into this world of mine and now I just feel so alone. Anyone who passes me by or strikes up a conversation causes anxiety and stress at times because there is a distance with everyone I know. It's as if I've lost the ability to grow with anyone, create a bond, and know them.

I came to this place with eagerness to make friends, and friends definitely came. But they left as well, and now that I've seen the pattern, I've lost all ability to create friendships the way I used to. But then I think that there is a root to the all this pain, that there is a hidden and embedded reason as to why I've become this hard, this hurt, and this shut down. I understand that the rooted pain stems from past friendships that I watch deteriorate because of my strong and stubborn decision to love. Love is the most beautiful decision and yet the hardest decision. Because when they do not love that same way in return, it tears out a huge part of me and lasts for many years afterwards.

I sit here, not nearly over the love I chose to give to an unlikely character in my life, and I have this undying need to just sulk until it goes away. I put it off and put it off until I'm lying in bed at night, sighing and wondering what on earth my heart is trying to say to me. I am told that someone will come along and love me the way I deserve it and I beg God to just let me feel that loved now, today, even if just internally by Him. I want to see acts of God in my life and yet I can't seem to recognize any of it at times. How could I be told I deserve such love when I clearly do not and I clearly do not receive it? I regret to sound this pathetic, but I'm tired of lying to people around me when I pretend I'm okay.