Do you ever wonder if you're doing what you're meant to do, or if there is so much more out there for you? I'm a part of the second option. If I dig deep and really think about it, I'm fully aware that I'm not where I long to be. But this year, I found that okay. Because today is all I have, and today I'm moving forward. Leaning forward, you could say. God has shut doors and opened doors for me. It's quite amazing to see the transformation in my life that He has done. And not only that, but the transition from one situation to the next has been quite interesting.
We can't boss God around and think up the "perfect plan" for our lives. We can only guess and hope for what will happen. But with God, we develop blind faith. It means that we cannot see what is ahead, and often times we have absolutely no idea what is coming, but we put our total trust in God that there is a reward if we do not lose our confidence and press forward. Perhaps that means we don't need to make any sort of guesses of what it could be. God calls us to do mighty great things to bring glory to Him, the King of kings.
How has He changed the plans in my life? Well, at one point I had no idea what my future held. But I dreamed anyway. I thought maybe I could work for a magazine, as a photographer, and have my work known all around the world. This lasted many years, but no progress in that direction ever really came to be. My photography was becoming known, but not at a miraculous rate. I was blessed with neat opportunities, but my walk with God slowed down. Eventually I hit rock bottom last year, and lost any sort of vision or motivation. I became comfortable and unmoved. Not a good thing.
But I never had excuses. I knew I wasn't doing what I wanted to do, and I was tired of feeling stuck. The moment I felt freedom, this drive inside of me began begging me to get up and go. To go out into the world. I was hyped up and fearless! Or so I felt. My first thought was maybe I'd completely move across country and start up a new life somewhere else. Those plans didn't last long. I then became curious of the world on another island. So I dreamed an old familiar dream to go see another country. That one sounded quite promising! With faith I got a passport, not even knowing where God would take me. That held me over for a few months. I eventually chose England and made it half a year with hope that I had purpose. That God was taking me somewhere, to a new land, to show me great things.
God has yet to reveal to me the purpose behind that moment. He has yet to take me to a new land. But in the process of waiting, I held on to fears, unknowingly. In attempts to get up and go somewhere, to try something new, without fear, I took a trip down south of California and lived a little dream. It really did change my life. It opened my eyes to see what I've done to myself, and what I really have in my heart. I was longing to get out, be somewhere new, and live a dream. Reality was that I wasn't doing that at all by sitting here in my hometown, dissatisfied.
The night I looked for jobs near Los Angeles, where I had planned to consider moving to sometime after the said England trip, I was at my last straw. That was it. I knew I needed to make a difference. Where does God want me? What does He have for me? I was in desperate need to figure it out. So I cried out to God that night, searching jobs and housing frantically. I prayed in complete brokenness, "God, where is it? What do you have for me? Help me find it." Searching online, I was reminded of a specific school that was introduced to me through a new friend. Me? School? The fact that it never happened for me caused me to get used to it and justify why I wasn't attending any sort of college. I still believe I don't need it, but that God could definitely use it to my benefit. To His glory, perhaps.
So my search somehow came to a complete stop. As if I was perfectly guided to the right place, a pouring of hope happened in my heart at that moment. My faith could take me anywhere, it seemed. I questioned, "God, is this something I could do? Would you take me here?" And yet the only response I could hear is "Why wouldn't God do this? Why can't He?" Speaking to an old pastor of mine, I gained even more faith and hope, as if God Himself was giving me the confidence I need that He could take me there. I could use my faith to reach out using my passion and talents.
College? Really? After all these years, and You're taking me to college? Well, it doesn't hurt to take the first step and just walk with blind faith. So I applied. Yes, I hit my first bump in the road. God got me through that too. He's been opening my mind to learn, to change, to adapt, to grow, to be someone. In the process, I fell utterly in love with Him all over again. He healed my wounded heart, gave me hope when I lost it, and granted me more patience. The dreams I have are reachable. God is sending me somewhere.
God changes our plans into His own when we seek Him. We never know what He's doing until He does it. He uses our passions and talents to take us to those places, and our desires to lead us there. We may take the first step that appears to take us one way, but find out it was taking us a totally new way! And that is what is amazing. That in order to follow God, you have to have faith. You have to be willing to walk without even knowing where you're going, yet trust Him. In the end, it'll serve as a great story in history.
I don't know about you, but I want to make and be a difference in this perverse world.
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