Impatience is trying its best to tear me down. My mind goes in daydream mode where it practically forces my heart to help it visualize my biggest dreams. It begins to question myself, "What is taking you so long?" I'm starting to wonder if I should be stepping out and doing something about this, or if this is normal enough to ignore. But then again, if it is I who should make a choice, I've apparently chosen to do nothing. But it's not like I have much of a choice. I'm torn between the idea of what I want, and the possibility of something else. One choice causes the fear that I'd be settling for less out of impatience, and the other choice is really risky. Yet without those choices I'm at square one, which is an awful square.
My goal is to truly let all of this go so that I could keep my focus on God. To me, it seems like the best option in any situation. I'd like to find peace, happiness, and contentment as often as I can. God is capable. I also want to be able to find myself again; to find boldness, vulnerability, and courage again. I want to be rid of all the lies that have tried to find their way into my heart way too many times in the past. I want to replace them with truth and understand that I am a very much loved human being made by a God who knows what He's doing.
Who I am internally is the most important part of me. Sure, I may sometimes fix up my hair and wear a favorite outfit, trying to take care of my outer appearance at the same time, but I become nothing unless my heart is true and kind. How I treat both women and men is how I treat God. I want to give them reason to either like me, or respect me as I pay attention in how I treat my neighbors as well as my enemies. If I can avoid having enemies, I will even accomplish greater things.
So what if I was "rejected" in simple ways in the past? I can't wear that on my sleeve, beg for sympathy, and expect it to bring me somewhere. It won't. God has used everything I've ever been through for something good, and for that I have been thankful. I have a purpose, a mission, and a vision I must follow. I vow to love all. I'm going to press forward. Even when I feel impatient, I will be patient.
My time for the dreams that seem unreachable will come. But it'd be a waste of time to not enjoy who I am already. :)
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