The Hardest Part.

The hardest part of letting go of fear is getting yourself to realize reality. I wish I knew why we as humans were capable of undergoing any such fear, but I guess that is life. When our desires mix with our actual possessions and life choices, things can get messy. But when reality comes riding by showing you things you wish were not so, it's not fun at all and it probably never will be.

But how do you prepare yourself to accept a "no" to what you wish was a "yes"? Or how do you prepare yourself for the answer you'd instead dread if it came to be true? I've of course not mastered this at all, but daily I might fight my mind over it. If I'm to let go of fear, I either need to face it first, or accept the thing I fear the most may very well happen.

I'll admit this: one day I'm afraid that someone will discover how amazing you actually are and steal you away. If that day comes, I am not sure how well I'll handle it. I imagine though that I am not the only one who sees this and you're definitely not a game to win. I'm not looking for competition, fighting for a prize that I may not achieve. But you're special enough to fight for, if I ever found the right amount of courage.

But they'll find you and I'll have to let you go. You'll be extremely picky as you've always been and I'll be behind you wondering who will ever be good enough for you. Yet I'm too afraid to selfishly tell you that I don't want to let anyone take you. I respect what we have, and yet I'm hiding so much from you because I'm just afraid of your response. Not that you'd be hurtful about it, but I know you'd be honest and I am not sure I'm what you will ever want.

Often times you make comments as if I could be, and I go off in daydreaming a day you change your mind about us. I didn't realize I lost a ton of hope until I found myself desperate for just a dose. It's what I now pray for, that God could simply give me hope. In this story and in my entire life. Maybe I've forgotten what hope feels like and with the lack of it, I feel awful. I pray now that He will fulfill me and grant me back that hope that will get me through this.

You are quite the treasure, and even if I cannot attain you, I will still try to value you and love you the way I know you deserve. If one day that means letting you go, I'll love you enough to do so. And one day I'll find the strength to tell you all of this.