From 2014 to 2015.

It's interesting how my blog remains "A New Journey" when it really feels like every other week or month is a new journey. The constant changes and yet consistent troubles make for this "new" journey to almost be a "redo" of the past. Yet at the same time, it contains different characters, different destinations, and different outcomes. Usually. But tonight I write to simply state that after two years of considering this a "new journey," I finally feel like I've made it to the other side of the mountain and that good things have yet to come. Or shall I say...greater things have yet to come.

In the past two years, with 2013 and 2014 fulfilled, I accomplished boldness, met new people, applied to a university, bought a ticket to England, got accepted into Azusa Pacific University, got on my first plane ride, spent a month and a half in England, moved to Southern California for school, lost my dad unexpectedly, started my second semester of college, moved home for the summer, gained hope (and false hope), hid in fear, faced the fear, experienced anxiety deeply, sought help, missed three weeks of classes, dropped two classes because of it, overcame the anxiety, finished the semester, felt happy again, felt more alive and stronger, and then finished off the year with family and good food and this grand feeling inside that 2015 is going to be extremely DIFFERENT.

What does that even mean to me? Well, for starters, it means I can't guess what could happen. I've entered this new year with no expectations whatsoever. In fact, I've made no plans for the entire year except for attending school and catching up. That means considering summer school and living in Azusa for 12 full months (and possibly 12 more after that if I do summer school again). I mean, at this point, God could honestly do anything or change everything.

For the first 22 years of my life, I was barely getting to know myself, getting to know my limits and my feelings. After that, I stood up and took off. I know there will always be struggles, no matter what you do. No matter how close you are to God, or around good people, the fact that you strive for something deeper means struggles and troubles will indeed follow. It's the very evidence of the choice to dive deeper, swim faster, and get further along. A comfortable life is not a promising life. It's a life not lived--at least, that's what I believe.

Another thing that I have learned, especially in 2014, is that getting close to anyone, no matter who they are, is indeed uncomfortable and will indeed take time to get used to. It's something I have learned that might cause someone (like me) to back away. I've learned in the past year that commitment only looks and feels easier at a distance, but up close it's the scariest thing. Not scary because I wouldn't want to commit, but scary because it puts negative thoughts in my head that will pick out every bad or undesirable thing from a person and make it the reason I shouldn't get so close. And I've also learned that the world is not too keen on commitment..

Yet the most beautiful thing that came out of this is realizing that commitment is the greatest accomplishment because it means keeping your word, loving nonetheless, and making a difference in someone's life. It's even a great preparation for marriage, or simply seeking a job someday. It's the essence to living a fulfilling life. To recognize that even I keep myself at a safe distance from closeness with human beings and lack to properly invest my time and love into people helped me change my ways. It helped me truly see and accept that each person I meet will not match up perfectly with my personality. There will always be something they do that won't be perfect. But the truth is, that will always be the case with me too. I will always have something that someone else could question. This is merely because we are human beings and we make mistakes. Because of our mistakes, it means choosing to commit is key. Choosing to commit is the only way to last a lifetime with anyone--no matter what. We were made to require practicing commitment, acceptance, and love.

I am glad I have put myself on this path to really learn this. I'm glad because I no longer want to let people just slip away when I know they mean a lot. I'm glad because it helps me more openly accept when a good friend accidentally wrongs me, or hurts me. It helps me see that this will always be the case when you just know someone. When you choose to know their life, get involved, and hold that power to destroy them--it makes it more real. Knowing you have that power helps you see how very important you actually are and how big of a difference you can actually make. In fact, God has the power to destroy us all, and that's what makes His love to us greater--the fact that He chooses not to.

I can now look at myself with a much brighter and more beautiful light. To see myself still smile knowing that I've undergone some tough trials and situations in my lifetime. I can look at myself and believe that I'm a special and important human being to a big and powerful God who knows me and yet loves me. And now I can only hope that others can see that in me and that I can pass on this love that I learned. I can only hope now that I can feel more freedom in my life and actually let myself take that risk to get close to others. I hope that I can keep breaking my own walls and helping others break theirs. It's a big risk, but it's worth it. We are made to be relational because of our relational God.

So I hope that 2015 is a good motivation to gain new hope, new goals, and all the more reason to keep moving forward. No more holding back. No more walking away. No more hiding. No more running away from problems. It may take more time to overcome it all, but I'm not giving up. I want to keep taking these risks. I want to grow closer to God and to the people He gives me. I want to stop holding back the love I know is inside of me. I want to stop fearing my own emotions and feelings. I am human. I am special. And I have every right to love no matter what. I may get hurt again and again along the way, but it'll not be in vain.

Here's to 2015. A year of unexpected surprises, I'm sure of it.