I guess one could say I've reached a point in my life of uncertainty which has led to a type of behavior that basically "goes with the flow." I see myself sinking in some areas and I see myself softening. But yet at the same time, I try to get myself to prepare for the worst while simultaneously preparing myself for the best. I'm vague when need be and I'm detailed when I get tired of holding it in. And yet I'm just...going with it.
I'd be lying to say I don't dread the idea of witnessing him with someone else. To see him walking with someone else, laughing with someone else, and finding what he might have been looking for. I mean, I've got to get myself to believe and accept that I am not that missing piece he seeks. I'm inserted nicely, I am. I invest my time with him, I listen, and I give almost as unconditionally as I know how to give.
Sometimes, when I'm not thinking, I almost convince myself I'm enough for him. Later I admit I'm silly. I push the thoughts aside for a moment and get myself to remember reality. I'll be something to someone someday, today is just not the day. But it's when he just simply looks at me and into my eyes. I can't hold that gaze long for the life of me because I inevitably fear he'll read me like a book. And if he did that, he might see the tiny little fear I still have somewhere deep down inside. And really, that's the last thing I want him to find.
I am starting to highly doubt he can read much of my behavior around him. When he gets too close to me, I freeze, stiffen up, and lack to respond half the time. When he looks at me, I look away too often. If he grabs my arm, I begin to have no idea how to react, what to say, what to do in return, and then he lets go and I regret my hesitance. When I'm close enough to him, I ignore my urges to rest my head on his shoulder if we're sitting next to each other. I ignore my urges to just hold onto him like I can. In my mind, I am respect his wish to remain as friends. And despite the fact that he crosses all the barriers I think we have (well, most), I still can't get myself to feel completely comfortable with nearness.
So what do I do instead? Well, I playfully hit him. And often I push him. I push him because it's the only way to release the constant build up of urges. I make dumb jokes to release the tension inside of me. How does one treat a friend without breaking barriers that make it just a friendship? I keep thinking he is using me to explore what it might feel like for him to have a significant other. Because me, as his closest female friend is possibly the closest thing he has to a companion.
And it's killing me.
I've chosen to go with the flow but the flow is starting to pull me under. I'm giving in slowly but surely all over again. Reading him as if he's my own story to read. Looking at him as if he'll be around me forever. Believing that he somehow, deep down inside, loves me for who I am. Sure, I'm human, I make mistakes, and I dream things that may never come true. I try to pull away from these thoughts, but they come back and truthfully..I'm used to them. I don't even know if I honestly desire more with him anymore. I just know he has become that one thing in life that I cannot have. And with that unfortunate fact, it becomes the biggest reason I even want him..
At his worst, he is distracted--and I am invisible if not an annoyance. At his best, I am the greatest person around and he compliments me, laughs with me, and hugs me. I see these two sides and yet I stick around in hopes to become a more committed individual. So I can hold onto a relationship with someone without running in fear and becoming selfish. I want to invest in it, invite him into my life like I want him there. He makes it so easy at times and I can't figure out how I actually feel.
I still ask myself why I feel the way I feel. Am I trapped? Can I escape? I'm a human, a person, a female...and I have feelings. Sometimes I wonder, when he breaks those barriers, if he's actually aware that I feel something. If I go with this flow too long, I fear I may drown.
I wish I could feel the way he felt instead when the current gets strong in this flow of friendship.
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