My Hero.

Dearest Future Husband,

Sometimes I wonder if you're one of those struggling men, figuring out if you have what it takes. The more I read "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge, the more I wonder about you. I hope you know by now (or soon) that you do indeed have what it takes. You're a warrior. A fighter. A leader. I just know that you are because that's what I'm looking for. I observe the men in my life. I have a better understanding of not only what to look for, but what men are originally made for.

When you do come into focus in my life, I hope I can be the best ezer kenegdo you could have ever asked for. I admit that I ponder what it would be like for you to come along and prove to me why waiting was worth it. I'm finally okay with your absence because I've learned so much through it. I'm okay with it because I realized I was still in need of preparation. I think I'm finally to a point that I can actually accept that we have not collided. I'm not saying we haven't met though. I just haven't chosen you yet. I'm not entirely sure who you are to be but God is silent. My guess is that He is silent because it is not time.

One day I'm going to take a picture of you smiling with me in the shot and I'm going to cherish it. And that's what makes you worth this long, stretched out wait. The fact that you'll be someone I'll soon enough cherish daily. And I'll let you be that warrior, fighter, and hero in my life. I'll let you take us on adventures and I'll help you along the way in every way I can. I'll support you and your ideas and lift you up when you become doubtful. I won't be perfect, but I'll be in love with Someone who is. I won't always know what to say, but we'll believe in the One with all the answers. I simply pray that God is always in the center of our relationship.

I've learned all of this because of everything I've ever been through. God has given me a story to tell and I just cannot wait to add you into it. Someday our stories will become one and it genuinely excites me. I honestly cannot tell who you are, but I'm getting to know what my heart is longing for and what it needs. I need a hero in my life. So if Jesus has rescued me and made me feel beautiful, then I pray you are a reflection of Him. And that's what I will be looking for.

If I could say anything to you today, I would merely ask that you do not give up on waiting for me. I pray that you find your strength to endure. I pray that we will be ready soon. I pray that you will do all that you can to find your heart and understand what God made you to do. I pray you dream big dreams because soon enough I'll be by your side to find those dreams. I may have my own dreams, but you've always been by biggest one. I was made to be an ezer kenegdo. A helper. A lifesaver. A sidekick. And that's just what I'll be when you come.

Until then,
Your Future Wife

p.s.
I love you even now.

God Alone.

This past week was interesting, to say the least. I spent three days dealing with fear, anxiety, and sadness. At first I couldn't figure out why, but as I dug deep, I discovered some wounds that needed healing again. The fear of rejection hit me all over again and I couldn't seem to find the strength to endure it. I got to a point where all I could pray to God was "Please rescue me." I cried realizing how so many things were bringing me down during my first semester at a University.

To add to it all, I eventually couldn't speak to anyone. I turned to music and nature which ended up pulling me out of the haze I was in. I started to feel like myself once more and reminded myself how much God is my comfort and the only Healer. I knew that He was preparing something huge for me once again and I felt like I was left in silence for three days, much like Jesus' death. Thinking of how human Jesus was and how even he cried out to God, "Why have you forsaken me?" despite the fact that He knew God would save Him. Why should I fear? Why should I even begin to doubt God will save me?

I finally escaped such attacks and looked back to see that God is who I needed. I knew I couldn't rely on people to save me, and in a sense it was as if God didn't even send me a human to help me. He was determined to be my everything in that moment so I could truly see the fear I let build up inside of me. I am so very thankful that He never gives up on me. I am so very thankful for the people He has given me here at APU nonetheless. I need not worry, doubt, or fear.

God has been teaching me that He alone is enough. When I feel alone, He is with me and He will find me. It feels good to overcome more of this fear. To be able to let love concur it. To add to it all, God gave me an affirmation that what I feared was false and that I really had no reason to fear it. It made me feel silly, but I was so thankful for the confirmation. I am becoming stronger. God is good. :)

The Necessity of Men.

My mind has decided to turn the guy from my past into a monster. He wasn't a monster, but the subtle effects from him are suddenly becoming the opposite today. Fear hit me like a train and it definitely didn't feel too well. But I'm making my way to recovery once again. To help me out, God has given me a friend. He's a weird one, but he's nice to me. I pick on him, tease him, and ask him millions of questions. I didn't have a brother to learn from after all. Interacting with the male species isn't exactly my forte. But yet it's the least stressful thing in my life. I can sit, talk about nothing, and laugh the day away.

Well, I suppose interacting is fine. When I was younger, my mom said I always got along better with boys. It's funny that years later, as an adult, I have the worst history with them. By "them" I really mean one guy. At twenty-three, I'm finally able to discover different men. It boggles my mind that I spent five years of my life befriending one particular guy, never knowing another type. I got so used to him and yet the effects it left me with have scarred me. If I ever get attached to any guy, the immediate fear hits me as if I'm not allowed to get attached. It makes me feel like I am in the wrong, that they will reject me, and that I will become hurt. It is the one thing that my heart fails to handle. I receive urges to run away because I am so frightened from my past.

How could that have happened to me? I guess it just gives me a story to tell. This story is still clearly being written, but I can testify that real men are one huge necessity in a young woman's life. I say that because I lacked them. I somehow grew a close friendship with someone who didn't embrace his role as a man. I was afraid to displease him, because in my mind it meant he would not desire me at all. I knew he didn't desire a relationship, but I was not about to displease him to not even desire a friendship. I shouldn't have let him have that control, but I couldn't help it. I was the submissive and loyal type. I was faithful. I wanted to be captivating and I didn't even realize I was in dire need of it.

So here I am today, searching for who I am, learning that all men are different. They inspire me now. They are the missing piece to my life. They are the ones who will grow me and teach me how to treat my husband someday. And even though I have every intention to love my husband with my entire heart, and to please him as best as I can, I still want to learn how not to fear him.

Maybe I am scared of him. Maybe the idea of someone getting that close to me frightens me. Not in a bad way, but in an unknown, uncomfortable, alien sort of way. It's foreign to me. It's not a part of my present life. It's desired, it is. I long for it somehow. But it's scary. I'm quite nervous at the thought of it. To realize this is crazy! One would think it would be exciting, but I'm honestly not sure how I'll handle it! I'm going to hope and pray that the one God sends to me will know how to ease his way into my personal life. He will calm me. He will rescue me from this current life I live! And if I do try running, I hope and pray I will run right into him.

♥

Beautifully Broken.

While sitting on top of a mountain staring out at the night sky and flickering city lights, I was sat next to a person who at one point inspired me. He was broken this time, as if contentment vanished for a moment. And although he was so strong for me months beforehand, it was in that moment I realized that God was giving me an opportunity to shine back. I had all the care in the world to be there by him. I listened to him express all of his emotions and frustrations. I listened to him spill out his heart. He was the same person who helped me change my life, and there I was sat in a position to possibly help him.

I handed him the journal knowing it was God who led me to buying it for him. In the card along with it I wrote about how important his thoughts and feelings are, and how he has a significant voice in this world. I concluded to say he can consider the journal a gift from God. I really couldn't take the credit. I didn't know this young man well enough the way God did. But his reaction to it was priceless. It was enough. He showed every intention to use it and thanked me.

The feeling of giving off hope to someone builds me up so very much. God made me this way, with desires to be of encouragement. The entire trip up that mountain with him became a metaphor of someone who was beautifully broken, climbing to the top to receive a reward for persevering. Along the way we helped each other as to not give up and head back down. No matter how tiring it was, we became determined to make it to the top. Toward the very end, right before we reached the cross, he offered his hand. And even though I lacked to take it, he helped me anyway. I felt like it represented the person he had become to me. Someone who once upon a time helped me make it to the cross. To find Jesus.

Maybe this time I was helping him in return. Maybe this time I was able to shine my own light onto his brokenness. There was something about the entire journey up that mountain that opened my eyes. It had a purpose. It was as if God had allowed me to be in his life at the right time so that I could learn something new. So I could be there to witness a change in this person's life. And it made me feel excited for him, even if he was broken.

I'm excited to see how God is going to turn it all around. Because when we made it to the top of that mountain, we sat there, looking down at all the lights while the cross stood tall in front of us. We sat there to rest and enjoy the beauty God gifted to us. The best part was how capable he was of still smiling and laughing. I could see he still had hope. And that was all that mattered.

I pray that God mends his beautifully broken self.

Urges and Child-like Faith.

I procrastinate because I have paid beyond more attention to my social life than my academic life. But in my defense, I was out of school for nearly five years and I'm learning the concept of discipline all over again. But imagine going from a lot of lonely days, to suddenly having the option of people to talk to, see, and interact with daily. There is rarely a moment that I actually feel alone. Maybe now as I sit out in the living room in a quiet apartment, me being the only one awake, but even then, I know I am surrounded by people. It's an incredible turn-around for my life.

So what's the problem, right? Well, I have this very active mind. It doesn't help that I lost my dad less than two months ago. Whenever I miss him, or suddenly realize all over again that he is gone, I have this urge to run into a strong pair of arms and hide for a while. But these "arms" I speak of don't exist in my life, and the urge is unfulfilled. It's silly, I suppose, but I'm convinced it's normal. God must have just made me this way. I desire a prince, that's all.

Not just any prince though. But one that can look into my eyes and see exactly who I am. One that finds what I have to say important. One that uses his voice to reach out to the world in even the tiniest of ways. A prince that would rescue me when I was in "danger." A prince that would treat me like a princess, to say the least. And I wouldn't expect it, he would just lovingly give it. I would look to him as if he was my knight in shining armor.

I know what some people may say to that. "Stop being a child, fairy-tales don't exist." But I'm not talking fairy-tales, and who said anything is wrong with being a child? Children have faith that can move mountains. I think this world all to often lacks that sort of faith. We lose it over time as reality begins to sink in that we can't actually fly and money doesn't actually grow on trees. But what fun is a life without such faith to believe in such "silly" things?

I'm talking about how the idea of such a prince and princess relationship can actually exist if we actually play the part. It can be reality if we want it to be. So my urges are normal, my desires are normal, and my feelings are normal. And even if they're abnormal, it would only be because the majority of the world lost the idea of true faith. Or should I say true love? Love in its truest form knows no bounds.

I'm surrounded by people, yes. But even when I'm not lonely, I still am missing that one human being who just hasn't made himself known yet. So yes, I am content in my singleness, technically. But I'd be lying if I said I'm not still dreaming. Child-like faith hasn't died with me. I just won't let it. I'm a dreamer. I dream big. It got me this far, after all!

"Someday"

I had this sudden realization that I cannot actually picture myself with anyone. And by that I don't mean I think it'll never happen, but I just can't picture it. Sure, I can imagine myself standing next to a man, but it merely appears fake. It is fake, because such a picture doesn't exactly exist. This is probably the oddest realization I've ever admitted, but it's an interesting thought. Maybe it goes deeper. Maybe the truth is that I just cannot picture someone wanting to stand next to me. By that I mean I have never experienced someone wanting that.

And then I begin to only wish I could set my camera on a tripod and stand next to him. Whoever he would  be, I know he'd make the picture complete. He would smile and I would cherish the image. As much as I can't get myself to picture such a thing, I know that it will happen someday. And as sad as it is to repeat the word "someday" each time I dream this, I just don't want to be rid of my hope.

It's not that there is something wrong with me. I think I'm a very patient person, and I like to be happy, crazy, and make people laugh. My appearance must be okay that I can photograph myself and receive compliments (not that appearance determines much). I think I'm quite smart, but not in a prideful way. I don't actually think anything is wrong with me. I'm quite convinced that God just saved me all this time for someone I needed. I also think I'm capable of a relationship. I've observed many, and learned the concept of unconditional love. I know I'm able to love someone even if they don't love me back--that must say something!

I'm not sure how ready I really am, how would I know? But I can still picture myself getting married, taking care of a home, a husband, and eventually children. It's a dream, after all. I would want at least one son, and one daughter. I would raise them to know God and the importance of love. In fact, the idea of cooking dinner for a husband makes me feel happy inside. I often feel anxious for such a life. It has been my biggest dream, after all. I would love to decorate a home, organize it, and take care of it.

I guess I'm just waiting for the day that a man comes and desires to rescue me. I'm waiting for that day God guides him to my heart. My hope remains that God will grow me into the person he needs, desires, and longs for. I don't know when that day will be, but I can only dream that it is not too far. I'm still waiting in complete purity. He's that worth it.

Confessions of the Grieving

Confessions of the Grieving

I can’t seem to get myself to be in this world. Any sort of connection to reality causes my mind to immediately run. I don’t know who I want to be around, nor do I know what I want to do. I want to abscond yet I feel stuck. I’ve lost my motivation somewhere in the sea of emotions and all I want to do is just drown in it. Am I even screaming?

I didn’t predict this, nor want this. But I can’t catch up with the present time and I’m growing too tired to try. I find myself wanting things I cannot have, desiring things I cannot do, and longing for someone I’m not with. Each hour that passes allows it all to make less and less sense. Here I am fighting my own mind, battling within my own heart. Is it mourning, grieving, depression? None of that is even familiar to me. I feel like I’ve been here before but this time people believe I’m normal.

What is it that I want? I can’t even feel anything. Who will I listen to if someone talks? I’m falling behind, day by day, and I’m losing the inspiration to do great things. I’m losing myself within seconds and it’s eating the life out of me. But this time I don’t even have the desire to fight back. I was doing incredibly fine until this wave crashed over me. Now I simply feel like I’m drowning and that the right person isn’t here.

Who is the right person? I don’t even know. I’m looking around, silently begging for help, as if a particular face is to come. As if I’m seeking a particular answer and won’t know what it is until I have it. Meanwhile I am dying alive and only time will heal this wound. Time, because I need it. Time, because it’s the alternative to a miracle. Time, because nothing else is working.

I pray now that God would send me an angel, a Helper, and His unending love. I pray now that I’ll come out of this dark hole and see the light at the end of this tunnel. I pray now that there will be a solution, that I will not become overwhelmed for too long. My only hope is with God. I just lost the strength to have any need of wanting to continue on. I’ve lost my hope as if it was stolen from me. I’ve lost a sense of love as if I forgot what it feels like.