Confessions of the Grieving
I can’t seem to get myself to be in this world. Any sort of
connection to reality causes my mind to immediately run. I don’t know who I
want to be around, nor do I know what I want to do. I want to abscond yet I
feel stuck. I’ve lost my motivation somewhere in the sea of emotions and all I
want to do is just drown in it. Am I even screaming?
I didn’t predict this, nor want this. But I can’t catch up
with the present time and I’m growing too tired to try. I find myself wanting
things I cannot have, desiring things I cannot do, and longing for someone I’m
not with. Each hour that passes allows it all to make less and less sense. Here
I am fighting my own mind, battling within my own heart. Is it mourning,
grieving, depression? None of that is even familiar to me. I feel like I’ve
been here before but this time people believe I’m normal.
What is it that I want? I can’t even feel anything. Who will
I listen to if someone talks? I’m falling behind, day by day, and I’m losing
the inspiration to do great things. I’m losing myself within seconds and it’s
eating the life out of me. But this time I don’t even have the desire to fight
back. I was doing incredibly fine until this wave crashed over me. Now I simply
feel like I’m drowning and that the right person isn’t here.
Who is the right person? I don’t even know. I’m looking
around, silently begging for help, as if a particular face is to come. As if I’m
seeking a particular answer and won’t know what it is until I have it.
Meanwhile I am dying alive and only time will heal this wound. Time, because I
need it. Time, because it’s the alternative to a miracle. Time, because nothing
else is working.
I pray now that God would send me an angel, a Helper, and
His unending love. I pray now that I’ll come out of this dark hole and see the
light at the end of this tunnel. I pray now that there will be a solution, that
I will not become overwhelmed for too long. My only hope is with God. I just
lost the strength to have any need of wanting to continue on. I’ve lost my hope
as if it was stolen from me. I’ve lost a sense of love as if I forgot what it
feels like.
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