Why am I suddenly afraid? I think back on memories, how far I've come, how much I know, and how vulnerable I allowed myself to be. But suddenly I have this urge to run, as if I'm overwhelmed with new feelings that I'm completely not used to. Running is obviously not a rational solution, nor a smart thing to do. Running, in fact, will lead me straight into the problem with the possibilities of making it worse for myself. It doesn't matter how vague I make this to be, I know exactly what I'm speaking of.
Have I put up a wall, or some form of blockage leading into my heart? Or have I put my guard down for the first time? What could possibly be causing this anxiety inside of me? Is my actual fear on letting someone into my heart? I crave a nearness and fear a nearness. This is just not making sense to me. I have dreams that I will have to be with the wrong person, which reveals to me a hidden fear. Am I just simply afraid of letting anyone in? But then it's the sudden realization that I've never quite had the chance to feel it.
There is a world so foreign to me that just a glimpse of it causes me to feel homesick. I'm comfortable in one type of setting, but I'm not here to just live in my comfort zone. I want to step out, I do. But the unknown lies ahead and I'm not sure how I'll handle it. It was fine and dandy beforehand, but what can I say? I know perfectly well how to handle what I'm used to. It's not that anyone is asking me for more than friendship, but it's the idea of it happening. When I actually consider the possibilities of it happening someday, I realize how fearful it oddly makes me feel.
Beyond all of these feelings though, I am thankful that I have a God who cares for me. He will help me through and comfort me when I need it. I've got so much to look forward to, with a new semester in college starting, and some great people in my life to help me along the way. I'm learning how to handle these new situations and let go of past hurt. God's definitely got this. :)
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