Very recently I have come to acknowledge the fact that I
have unknowingly grown quite a bad image of men. Not in my beliefs, but the
unconscious part of me knew of them a certain way. I have a high respect for
men, but I've grown an unexplainable fear of being a woman. It's not completely
easy to explain but I'm going to attempt to do so because I'm determined to fix
this part of me.
What image have I given men? I tell myself things such as,
"Don't expect them to help you carry things, you're capable and if you're
not, he will get annoyed with you." I should say fear tells me these
things because I don't mean to believe them. Other thoughts that cross my mind
are, "Just because you're a girl, it doesn't matter", "you have
no value, nor right to expect anything from them." I may choose to ignore
it, but I can't deny the fear isn't there. It has been there and I'm finally
willing to admit this unfortunate side of me that I've accidentally held in for
a few years now. I'm letting it out because it isn't right, it isn't fair, and
it isn't helping me.
Have I lacked to meet a real gentleman? I've seen a few. I
notice now that any small amount of help, respect, or appreciation from a male
means the world to me. This is what caused me to question everything I am now
writing. It has opened my eyes up to dig deep and far beyond the surface. I've
come to understand that my past and experiences have somehow led me to having
this twisted view on how I should be around guys. For the most part, I ignore
it and act as myself. And being at a University filled with new people, I'm
learning to build new habits and thoughts. My communication and social skills
are changing and I'm fixing many issues I never knew I had until they were
triggered.
I was never really surrounded by guys while growing up. I
had my uncles, and for the most part I felt treated like a "kid." If
I didn't help, I was sort of scolded over it. I got used to that sort of
treatment. My uncles were great, but I didn't know it would affect me later. My
only memories as a kid are quite negative concerning my perception of men. It
was more like, "do what we say or you're selfish." I grew up believing
I was selfish and it wounded me for years. In fact, I'm still recovering. But
my memories are of camping trips with my uncles and cousins and feeling
unwelcomed after a while and disqualified. I couldn't help bring any food, I
didn't help enough with tent pitching, or I didn't carry anything. I can't
remember exact details, but I struggled a lot trying to "do the right
thing" and "please everyone." It always felt like a failed
attempt.
My dad loved me though. He had anger issues, but he loved
me. He provided food no matter what, and showed his love in gift-giving to me
and my sister. I wasn't extremely close to him though. I didn't grow up with
affection (and now deal with personal space issues!) But he was proud of me,
believed in me, and loved me always.
So what went wrong? What is a gentleman? When it came to a
guy opening a door for me, I ended up believing, "Just because you're a
girl, doesn't mean a guy has to open a door for you." So I liked going
last, opening my own door, never expecting. I started thinking, "Being a
girl makes no difference." In a sense, I was looking down at myself. I was
letting men become high above me and beyond because I decided to hide in mere
humbleness and become...invisible. Invisible became the way for me.
"You are not valued or wanted for who you are...just
hide. Don't displease. Don't expect. Guys don't value girls like that." Why
did I believe that? Subconsciously I believed these lies that I clearly see now
aren’t from a human. I reacted according to these thoughts embedded into my
mind. This causes me now to be afraid to need “help” from a guy and afraid to
expect anyone will value me. These lies made me remain feeling invisible and
hidden, as if I should become like men in order to please them. And yet I know
why I’ve had these thoughts planted and buried within me. I spent years with a
friend who sort of gave me this image. I spent a lot of time changing myself as
to not displease him. It wasn’t his fault, but it was mine. I should have
stepped away, but I wanted to remain a good friend.
Now that I’ve gained the courage to actually speak up for
myself and address this, I feel as though it’s time to really release this.
There are some great men out there who don’t treat me as anyone less than I am.
And even if I’ve yet to discover a gentleman who would purposefully value me, I
still have come across some great acquaintances and friends who are kind to me.
I never meant to run or look down on myself for being a female. I must realize
it wasn’t my fault too.
To conclude, a big thanks to the very select few men that
have offered to help me in the tiniest of ways, or made me feel valued. Your
actions speak louder than words and it’s worth it to be a gentleman. I can’t
speak for all females, but I most definitely appreciate your existence. Don’t
ever expect a woman to be like a man. It takes away from her beauty and it
wounds her deep down inside. Of course, I would not expect a man to be like a
woman. The difference is beautiful and necessary. The current men in my life
are very much appreciated and valued. I’m learning how to love myself now. J
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