The Dating World.

I've never really entered the dating world. I can't say I've ever been truly asked on a date, which makes it easy to avoid that particular world. I've always had my reasons. I've been a friends-first type of girl for as long as I could understand relationships. I grew up believing, convincing myself, that I would find the right person through friendship. In my mind, that eliminated dating. Not necessarily friendship-dating, but the straight-forward, "Will you go out with me?" dating. I also convinced myself of how utterly horrible it would be to be like what we see on movies.

For years I managed this so very well. Friendship was completely normal and all I knew. But I suppose I also managed to build a room around me. I was picky, reserved, and shy. Not that anything is wrong with that, but it grew myself away from guys. I developed a comfort zone and stayed in it. It became my only focus on the subject. I lost the idea of actual friendship and associated dating with the bad mental image I gave myself. I'm not sure if this shaped my life the way it has became concerning guys, but I maintained the ability to become somewhat invisible.

I didn't notice them. They didn't notice me. I couldn't read them. They couldn't read me. I played this game to perfection until I became too curious. While looking for potential new friends, I made a mistake and hypocritically joined a dating site. I was entirely against it. I was actually angry that I felt I resulted to such a thing, as if I couldn't befriend anyone in person. Although that was the truth, it was only because I stayed away from any possibilities. It wasn't the world I wanted. Sure, I was dreaming of marriage, but in my mind I would find that through developing a best friend. Someday, I was certain.

My impatience though instead got the best of me. I joined the site, told every honest truth about myself on it, answered practically every question, and searched through profiles as if I was shopping online. I kept asking myself, "What am I looking for? And will I really find it here?" I was looking for a particular human being that I've never met before because I got my mind so very used to that idea. I couldn't be open because I was dead set on my imagination. A fictional character I daydreamed about for years that I was certain would eventually exist in real life. Now, nothing completely crazy or weird, it was just my guess on who I could desire to marry.

With that mindset, I was browsing profiles on a dating website I didn't even choose. I let a junk e-mail determine where I would be and I let the pressure push me to join. I began to think, if I could just know people, this would solve my invisible problem. If I could just put myself out there, I could make new guy friends and give someone a chance for once. But it didn't turn out that way. I quit the site after 10 days of a free trial and only held a conversation with about two guys, only talking outside of the website with one of them until the site cut me off.

It wasn't my scene. It wasn't what I was looking for. I questioned why I joined and regretted it later. It wasn't helping. I wanted to make a new friend in person, not online. Online wouldn't solve anything. My real issue was forgetting how to communicate with sincerity and letting any fear go so I can be myself. I was awful at it and I didn't find out until later. I forced myself to meet the one friend I made from that site. I had this unexplainable boldness and courage with one thought in my head: I have to meet him.

Long story short, I went through with it, and surprisingly, so did he. He was shy yet talkative and extremely respectful. He even went along with my idea of making it like a "hang-out" instead of anything more. He seemed like he could be a friend, and that was enough for me. But I wasn't ready to be his friend. I was afraid. The fear hit me so quickly that I was already drowning in tears before he could take the time to point out his desire for staying just as friends. I could have been honest with him that it was all I desired in the first place, but I was much too hurt to understand anything. I felt as if he forced me to recognize my feelings, my fear, and my lack of ability to understand.

Maybe he read me, I can't say I know. Maybe he just knew I forgot what friendship is. Maybe. But it brought me to a place in my life that showed me I needed to love myself, enjoy myself, and just plain become myself again. It changed my life either way, it inspired me, and it showed me that I am capable of taking a leap of faith and doing something I'm uncomfortable with. It brought me to a new place that I now call home and in return, it got me new friends who are now like family to me.

But although that sounds fine and dandy, with it's nice little happy ending and a story I've repeated millions of times since I've come here, there is so much more going on in my beating heart. It brings me back to my original intent on listening to my impatient self say, "Just join the site, find someone, communicate, and stop hiding." It brings me back to question what is it that I was really hoping for? 

I know it's unhealthy to watch romance movies during a time like this, but it opens a door I've shut. It's for the oddest healthiest reasons because I'm aware of why. I asked myself what I'm lacking and what I'm hoping for. Sure, I talk about friendships, but what will anything more do for me? What is it about relationships that gets me questioning myself so much? I'm getting older, yes. I'm many years into the stage of curiosity. I'm definitely not clueless, and contentment in singleness only lasts so long when you accidentally bottle things up and hide the truth from yourself. I'm content to an extent, but I'm still human and I still wonder.

What part of God do I fail to understand? The part of Him that loves me unconditionally and would do anything for me? What part of my life has given me a good example of that? I suppose my parents have. They did a very wonderful job telling me of my worth. It makes believing and feeling that from God so much easier. But the part where He loves me specifically for who I am and where I am... The part where He holds me close and never lets me go. The part where He whispers in my ear, "I love you." It's like the part of me having a hard time understand what that could possibly feel like. Not because I need someone to show me, but because I haven't had anyone show me that it is foreign. It is a concept I have to try really hard to imagine just to feel it from God. I do believe God will provide that satisfaction, but I've recognized why it's so hard. I've finally realized why it is one of the most complicated concepts to understand.

This ties into the dating world because I now catch myself thinking about feeling special to someone. I think about being on someone's priority list, and giving to them the same amount in return. I think about a day where I can have comfort hugs in a way I've never had before. I think about long conversations into the night about life, God, and all the small things. I think about sharing my talents and having someone believe in me. I think about supporting someone for their passions and making them feel so extremely important. But beyond that, I think about how they would actually find me good enough.

With this honesty comes so many responses though. And they're all the same, for the most part. They will say, "You don't need anyone," and I will respond, "That's not what I said, nor meant." They look past the lack, the pain, and the point. I am expressing a wound, something we've all gained one way or another in our past--and in more than one area. I am expressing honesty to help me come to accept this part of me, not deny it. I am not running from the issue, I am facing it. An ideal response in this moment would be, "I totally understand you and you are completely normal. God designed this in you and He does long to satisfy the emptiness."

This is me finally trying to not hide anymore. To get out of my shell, and open my eyes. I have to let go of the image I put in my head (the image I named Matthew, to be exact.) I have to stop running from people and pretending. I want to be real. I want to be enjoyable. I want to offer myself as a friend in the least. I want to notice someone notice me. I want to be captivating.

I want to be lovely.

love·ly

  [luhv-lee]

adjective, love·li·er, love·li·est.

1.

charmingly or exquisitely beautiful: a lovely flower.

2.

having a beauty that appeals to the heart or mind as well as to the eye, as a person or a face.

3.

delightful; highly pleasing: to have a lovely time.

4.

of a great moral or spiritual beauty: a lovely character.