This day possible marks the worst day. I wish I didn't have to say that, but it's true. It started off in tears while my heart became fearful. I still got ready for class and grabbed my backpack before heading off to campus. Once I got near the trolley stop, I ignored it and continued to walk because I was early and I needed the solitude of walking. I kept feeling like tearing up, feeling afraid, feeling attacked. As I walked and got close to the further campus, I began to question whether I should actually attend class or solve what's going on inside of me.
By the time I got there, I tried contacting my mom and sister to feel better. I sent myself a voice message note to talk it out as well, and then gave up on actually attending class. I eventually talk with my mom on the phone as she attempts to lift me up and encourage me. I get on the trolley and head back home. At this point, I really want to escape to my actual home with my mom and sister. I felt disconnected to everything here. In fact, it was the scariest feeling to have.
I tried to use up this alone time to speak to God, to figure out what a solution could be. I began to realize that I could not feel God at all. I felt like He abandoned me in my situation that I struggled with and left me to fend for myself. I couldn't believe this of Him though, so I tried to ignore such thoughts and trust that something would happen. Only time could tell at this point. Once I got back to my apartment, the tears came streaming down my face and my heart physically felt unwell. How could this be happening to me?
I wanted to go home immediately. I wanted to unite with my mother and sister and be somewhere with people that have known me my whole life. These are the people who have never left me and I wanted to just be there with them because I felt so far away. I needed something more familiar, something or someone that ran deeper than the friendships I had made. Was I being attacked? Was something trying to bring me down so deep to merely suffocate me? How could this have happened mid-semester? I knew school wasn't the issue. My homework load was light compared to everyone else's. I had no midterms coming up. School was not the problem--yet I wish it was.
This fear and anxiety that hit me is real. I had to choose to fight it constantly and not give up, hoping and praying that God was somewhere out there, even if I couldn't feel Him. I took a lot of walks throughout this day. I walked everywhere I needed to go and saw two female friends when I didn't want to be alone. When I was calming down, I managed to take my journal out to the benches in my apartment complex area and write out everything going on in my head. Writing is always therapeutic for me, but so is sitting outside.
Whilst outside, a familiar face came along and this guy asked me how I was doing. I replied with honesty that I wasn't doing that well. He came over and was understanding, thinking it was schoolwork. I explained it was internal, but that I'm just taking it one minute at a time. He offers to pray for me and places his arm around me and speaks out a prayer that lifted my spirits in that moment. It felt like God showed up to remind me that He loves me and that He has not left me. Because this man had no idea what I was actually going through, his words felt like it was God Himself speaking to my heart. It made such a large difference for this guy to come up and offer prayer. Now I pray that God blesses him beyond measure because of his obedience.
The rest of the night I spent remaining calm. No more crying, decreased amount of fear, and hoping to Skype with my mom so I could see her. I missed all my classes unfortunately, but I needed to sort this out. I needed to give myself the time to breathe and continue praying. It was almost like the grief I dealt with a year in advance upon losing my dad. And although my grieving has come to a very controllable state over that, I knew that any fear that could hit me also made me wish my dad was still around.
It is crazy to think that deep and intense fear inside of us can be triggered by such tiny things. It's crazy to think that this could happen out of the blue and that we as humans could become so afraid that the entire world around us changes. It's hard to feel okay, happiness seems like its miles away, and no matter what people say, you can't feel anything good until that time passes. I can't seem to conquer this part of me, and yet I try. I have fought for years over my emotions, my feelings, my life in general. I've taken such huge risks because my heart is so big it wants to accomplish the greatest things. It wants to love the unloveable and then some. And that's the hardest part.
The closer you get to anyone, the more you risk. And the more you risk, the greater the fear becomes. And one day it might try to eat you alive and tear you down. Has God abandoned me? I do not think so. I think the fear tried to blind me from Him and close my ears to His voice. I knew only God could get me out of this pit and calling on Him is what I would do no matter how far He seemed. I have this fear of losing the people I hold close, but mainly of growing close to someone I would eventually lose to someone else. I want to hold on and yet I'm incredibly afraid of making the wrong choice. And this is what I give up to God.
For day two of attempting to practice solitude, I was definitely informed of what is going on in my heart. There is a battle. A very heavy and intense battle and it scared me quite deeply. But I pray that God will take over, make a way, and clear this fear in me. That He will open my eyes to the beauty and solution He has for me. I may not know what that is, but I do know that He has been there for me before and He is the same God who will be there for me now. As scary as it was to face this unexpected attack...I have a feeling that God will use this for good. I may have been knocked down, but I'm not dead.
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