Last night I decided to really embrace the idea of solitude, thanks to a message I heard from my Resident Advisor. The idea of this discipline honestly came at the perfect timing. To be honest, I was avoiding being alone. This allowed me to spend an excessive amount of hours with a friend or two. And although those hours spent allowed me to grow a deeper friendship with them, I was slowly missing out on God and myself.
When I ended up alone, I immediately felt like I had to find someone, something, or anything to get me away from that alone time. I wasn't thinking about enjoying it, I was thinking about needing someone to see and talk to. I started getting used to calling on a particular friend, letting him visit me or I visit him at any available time we had. It almost became habit. Yet in the end, as of last night, I felt incredibly empty. As if something was missing and all I could think to do was crave home and want to be somewhere more familiar and comfortable. I wanted to escape this life here for a bit. But the question was simply, "Why?"
Today I embraced this solitude idea and allowed myself to be alone when I was able. I had lunch with my old roommate that was already previously planned, but it was perfect timing as well. One thing I noticed lately was I missed having "sisters" around. I missed that female bond that I was slowly but surely starving myself of. I lost so many close bonds that I stopped trying so hard to call out on anyone. My male friends are great, respectful, and amazing listeners. But they can never fulfill that part of me that needs a sister to sit there next to me and rub my back to say, "I know exactly how you feel."
Each time I was alone, I either talked to God, or just looked around at everything surrounding me. I let my inner thoughts help reveal what might be hidden inside of me. I haven't yet discovered what God intends to show me, but today He definitely helped me understand this importance of solitude. To help me start off this week of this particular discipline, I also met with a campus pastor who has known me for a bit over a year now. He pointed things out that he noticed I was saying, and affirmed that my thoughts and feelings are normal. He also affirmed that I seem to be handling this time in my life quite well. I guess I always know what to say to myself, even if I lack to listen at times.
Meeting with this pastor helps me. I guess you could say he's the closest person I have to a "father figure" in my life now. His prayers and occasional calls make me feel important, and I've learned that as a young female, we have this intense longing to be "wanted" and to feel valued. I think I've looked far too down on myself over how women long to be treated. I guess I have a hard time feeling like I deserve to be served. When any men in my life are considerate and generous to me, I feel like I shouldn't accept that behaviour, as if I'm "prideful" or "selfish."
I know why this thought comes to mind. There are women in the world with high expectations and men who can't meet those expectations. In fact, the other day I was with a friend and he helped me get groceries. When we arrived to drop off my bags at my apartment, he said he would leave me all the light bags. The moment any guy takes my physical weakness into consideration as a pure kind and considerate act, I have the hardest time believing it's perfectly okay. Would he even know that something so tiny like that meant the world to someone like me? Sure, I hid this behaviour with a joking response by looking at him as if he was implying I'm weak. But the truth of the matter was that I was incredibly thankful he was willing to take a load off my shoulder and take the heavier bags.
I won't prolong my reflections of the day any longer with these side stories, but after this one day of beginning solitude, I'd say I'm already checking what's going on inside of me. I have a longing to be "wanted" and "needed" and I'm convinced that God simply made women this way. We are meant to be "lifesavers," "helpers," or perhaps I should say an ezer kenegdo. When anyone asks me what my biggest dream is, only one thought comes to mind. To be a wife. The idea of supporting someone until the end excites me! I guess you could say it's what makes college hard. Because I'm not majoring in becoming a wife... I'm majoring in Cinematic Arts and hoping it gets me somewhere. A job someday isn't my happiness though.
Some reflections of my day whilst being alone include realizing that God truly made us into relational people. I think that the world is starting to reveal this idea of "if you're not in a relationship with someone, you need to learn how to be happy on your own." And yet we have a God who clearly saw how the first man on earth recognized LONELINESS. Without another human being on this earth, our lives would be pointless. God is relational! God intends relationships! We are perfectly normal to long for close and intimate relationships. The first thing I believe that each single person needs to recognize is that it is healthy to long for companionship. And that's what my pastor today revealed to me. He helped me feel good when I shared that I've always wanted a best friend who stayed in my life. I now have no idea what a true best friend is. But I long for it and I think God understands this as the way we were made. I simply pray He provides such a best friend.
The last major thing I saw within me happened earlier tonight. I was walking on my own to the store when I was reminded of an old but familiar fear. With any close relationship I ever develop in friends always comes that little yet massive fear that I might lose them. And if they play a big part in my life, it's one scary feeling. I don't even have to believe that I will lose them. But the idea of it reminds me that the people I have once held close have now moved on. Are these loose connections? I am not sure. But the tears will come at that one thought: what if they won't stay long?
My prayers for this week now include everything revealed to me yet again today, and that I can understand what God is trying to say to me. I hope that this week, as I spend most of my days finding solitude with God, I learn the importance of who I am and who God made me to be. I also pray that He guides me out of these unfortunate feelings and grants me hope. I've noticed a lack in happiness, so I pray that God brings me joy. I pray that after this week, I can embrace close friendships for what they are, and enjoy them without the fear of losing them. God is a God who provides what we need when we need it. God is a God of surprises. God is love. God is good. God's got this.
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