Solitude: Day Three.

Spending more solitude time with God started off really rough, as I mentioned in my previous two blogs. It hasn't gotten easier, but it's an interesting time in my life. It's interesting because for the first time in quite a while, I cannot hear God nor feel Him. It's as if I'm going based off of habit, assuming that God is with me and believing even when I cannot see Him, feel Him, nor hear Him. It is one of the scariest feelings I've ever actually felt, and I'm not quite sure how to properly deal with this besides prayer.

Day three went okay (I am writing this a day later). I missed my classes again because of how off my mind is. I think I need this week to sort this out, but I'm still lost as to how this is going to end. During my day I ran into one friend who talked a little bit with me about what's been going on. When we parted, he gave me a hug for the first time and it served as a reminder that no matter what, no matter how far I feel from the world, the friends I have do care deeply.

It is more normal for me to have a revelation, get a sudden dose of hope, and get right back up on my feet. It is the most common answer each time I faced fear. Although I cannot feel that now, and it is taking me a while to accept reality, I am determined to keep my trust in God and do whatever I can to get through this. I've always held so much faith in everything that I went through. I can recall the years I spent truly believing in what seemed impossible to others. The hardest part now is picking myself back up and continuing on as if I still believe. Because to  be honest, I'm not sure what to believe at the moment.

The years I spent in off and on agony have scarred me enough to take this long to still feel them and fight them. It has been well over 2 years since I took on such a fight and I'm now battling all over again. My heart is too big and too fragile that I continuously tell God I can't do this anymore. I find myself at a total surrender lately and when I sit to talk with God, I quickly fade away. I'm convinced there is purpose behind this though. I refuse to believe that He has abandoned me because in His word, He says He will never leave nor forsake me. In my weakness, I know He is strong. He is the reason I can still breathe, I can still function, and the reason I can still believe in at least something changing soon.

To end my day three, I attended chapel with one of my closest friends and on our walk there, I told him how I haven't been well. I could only manage to share a portion of what I understand is happening, but even then, I couldn't explain it enough. I have a mixture of thoughts, a mixture of fear, and a mixture of feelings. I keep thinking that this is going to cause me to lose him because I'm going to walk away. Not even because he will walk away, but because I would walk away. Out of fear, I would flee and leave him as if to run from everything so that I never had to risk my heart again. This has unexpectedly become reality for me and I'm trying so hard to figure it out and not drag him down with me.

None of this is anyone's fault. I see all of my friends with care in their eyes and I only want to keep this between God and me. Although the truth is leaking, I know that in the end I will feel stronger. At least, this is where I put my hope. It is so easy to question myself, "Will I ever overcome this? Will this always bother me?" The root of my fear is something that has never been proved wrong. It is something that now haunts me in my dreams, causes anxiety, and sucks me dry when I think about it. This is the reality of spending all these years never understanding why I have that ability to love nonetheless and risk everything in hopes that it won't hurt someday.

I pray that God will return to me. I pray that I can feel Him again. I pray that He can take this fear away. I'm not sure how long I can endure, but I trust that He is there, even when it doesn't feel that way. I cling too much to my dream. I don't know how not to. It feels like the same thing has been attacking me ever since I turned 18. It's been about six years since I haven't fought what I now fight. I'm not sure what God is doing. I'm not sure how He can use this for good. But I hope and pray He will.