Often times it's as if I'm paranoid, thinking I might be doing the wrong thing again. I'm distant at times and I feel so hesitant to fully be myself around male friends, afraid I might get attached again. And it's not the "attached" part I'm afraid of, it's the unrequited attachment I'm afraid of. By that I mean I'm most afraid of befriending someone I'll never marry and falling ever so gently in love. This means that I'm also afraid to even love fully again, as if I'm putting my heart on the line for no reason. If I don't try, I won't fail--says the fear, of course. Yet I know that if I don't try again, I lose the possibility of acceptance.
It is a risk worth taking, but the scariest risk of my life. I have built up so much love in me, and I have this dire need to give out this love. And yet I'm so afraid, telling myself constantly to fear not. I remind myself on quite the daily basis that God is with me. I can trust Him with my life and my heart and I do not need to fear anything. But my heart is screaming at me, begging me not to attach in any way to someone who might shut a door on it and never invite it in.
All I want lately is for it to all go away--the fear, the lies, the paranoia. I keep thinking that without it I may live a normal life and not wonder constantly, "Is this someone who will be just a friend?" But this is what happened to me, after many years of fighting feelings, I'm now angry at my ability to feel. And yet it's the strongest part of me, and possibly the best part of me. The fact that I have the ability to love someone in their darkest hours, or love when they don't deserve it. It's the best quality I even own and I'm running from it. It's the hardest thing to even accept of myself because I'm fully aware that I have that gift.
Even as I run, I know I'm running right into it. I'm running straight into what I'm afraid of and I know this of myself. I know that my heart will love anyway and I know it'll always forgive. I almost dislike that it always goes against my mind. It makes me feel fragile, vulnerable, and small. It believes that one day I'm going to put my heart on the line and a hero is going to save me from my past fear and prove to me he's different. It believes that because I inevitably encourage my own self, no matter how strong the fear is. I can't help but search for the light at the end of the tunnel, fully believing that there is an end to this.
I'm walking forward with a tear waiting to fall, and a heart waiting to explode. But I'm moving. With God, I need not fear. With God, there is nothing to fear. With God, I am on my way to greater things. It's just a matter of time that I will break this fear and feel freedom again. My greatest regret would be lacking to love because of it. Therefore I know I must truly look to God, face my fears by trusting Him, and love anyway. God's got this!
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