Lately it feels like I'm almost pretending that I have indeed done the right thing. But I decided to spend these days in prayer and walk. Most of my afternoons consist of at least one walk around the block or a few cycles of it. I proceed to take another walk at night, in which I have now witnessed two falling stars because of it. I'm giving myself some time before taking any form of action, meanwhile I am also asking God for the proper opportunity.
I guess it takes running away to fully understand what you're running from and if you'll miss it. I see myself unquestionably loving my friends around me and yet pushing one particular soul out of the way. I knew my reasons for it, and for the record, my reasons made sense to the world. I was overwhelmed, confused, and afraid--end of story. But looking back, I can see that my repetitive behaviour isn't solving much issues in my heart.
Perhaps my case is that I get too involved and scare myself to pieces. I dive into things like it's a bowl filled with pudding and then get sick quickly. I admit, I get excited and can't help but want to make the most of everything I begin. My problem isn't in beginning anything or trying anything. My problem is in staying and sticking through it when it gets tough. It's an odd thing for me to admit because I always considered myself a very committed individual. I still think I am, but is my commitment conditional?
This is where the word "conditional" comes into play quite hardcore. I've developed a mindset to believe that my goal is to be unconditional. But somehow over time, I've conditioned my friendships. I think, "As long as we are pleasing to each other, we're good." And I don't intentionally think up these things, but looking back on my past, I can see it being worked out. I almost lie to myself by saying, "I will love you no matter what." And what should "no matter what" actually mean?
I will love you even if you do not love me. I will love you even if you fade away. I will love you even if you get mad at me. I will love you even if you walk away. I will love you even if I am hurting. I will love you even when you're away. I will love you even if you do not choose me. I will simply just love you.
How could I possibly portray such an image when I choose to hide away? Sure, I can last ages applying this way of living, but I can't quite get myself to merely do it out of the goodness of my own heart. I can't seem to apply this when the going gets tough. I can't seem to look at someone I care deeply about in the eyes and say, "You may not choose me, but I'm going to stay to simply love you anyway." Because I may do it once, I may choose it when I see they are not on the same page, but there is this unfortunate selfish part in me that instead says, "But if you really can't see what I see, I won't be able to handle it." And followed by such a feeling, I give up on portraying to that special person what love actually is.
This bothers me because I find myself too sensitive to accept certain situations. It bothers me because my heart keeps telling me, "Why can't you just love them anyway? Why do you walk away when it gets too hard?" But I practically beg of God that I can one day break that wall I've built and become determined to actually see that person happy for what they accomplish, even if I stand off to the side as a simple friend. Shouldn't they matter enough for me to stay? Shouldn't they be great enough for me to watch them grow without walking away? And even if they aren't great, even if they hurt me with words or choose to walk away themselves, shouldn't I not be afraid of them?
I do not believe I can ever truly overcome this until I get myself to stop cutting ties when it's tough on my heart. I cannot overcome this until I can look them in the eye and tell them that their happiness means a lot and that I will support them no matter what. This is eating at my heart as the hours and days go by. I beg and beg to God now that He will lift my heart up and mend it so that it may function well enough for me to avoid the action of walking away when I'm scared.
I need not be scared. I need not walk away. I need not stop loving when I truly trust in God.
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