Honestly, I just want to be happy. I want to experience and feel genuine joy. I can find that in my moments with God after enduring trials, but lately I desire to see it around me at the same time. I want to be able to see and feel a true happiness in my life. It feels like it's been too long since I've actually felt content, with peace and joy. I have faith that I can make it to this point, if only for a little while, but something has always been missing in my life. I've fought and fought for years, off and on I've battled. There have been tears, anxiety, painful experiences, and moments that I just wanted to hide from the world.
For years it has felt like I always had that same thing constantly tugging at my heart. I'd have painful feelings latch onto me and I'd reach out for a dream only to never actually reach it. It's like my arm was stretched out as far as it could, trying so hard to grab hold of that dream, but in pain I would retrieve my arm and accept the loss. I'd wonder and wonder why this part of me had to keep me reaching, keep me seeking, and let me feel partially empty.
But now I accept who I am, where I am, and what has happened in my life. I am here. There is no turning back, no changing my past, nor predicting my future. I am here, in the present, and I'm turning to God to simply ask for genuine happiness. To finally sit down, relax, and breathe and know I'm actually okay. All I can feel now is a hope for happiness, but when I look around me I know I can easily be brought down if I let myself lose focus on the light at the end of the tunnel or lighthouse on the shore.
Even if others find it so silly that I practically am begging for happiness, I don't want to lie and say I have it and yet hide that part of me that can't actually believe that. They will tell me to find the good around me, and I will hear this advice being repeated as if I'm doing the wrong thing by recognizing the truth within me. But I'm tired of pretending like I'm doing all things right. I am a human, and I will indeed feel these things. I want to let this out and let God truly come in and show His power. In order to see the difference He intends to make in my life, I know I must admit my faults, failures, desires, and emptiness. I admit it to Him because He is God and He already knows the truth. But I think He wants me to know it for myself.
My thoughts and dreams aren't silly and I know they aren't. God knows them to be real, to reflect a part of Him, and to show that I have a heart that isn't always strong. I want to find myself in a place where everything around me isn't so broken anymore. Where I can hold onto a true friend and feel content, or sit around family and feel welcomed. I want to walk the streets at night with someone that just knows me and I want to laugh it away and know I'm at a good place in life. I want to feel like I don't have to hide my feelings anymore. I want to release them. I want to feel right. I want to say that God has brought me out of the wilderness and into the Promised Land, metaphorically speaking. I want to know I made it there and I want to feel that joy.
I cannot express in enough words how utterly hard it is for me to feel so completely far from that happiness. I cannot express in enough detail how very desperate I am to actually feel that joy. A joy so intense that tears will fall down my face as I smile at something miraculous in my life. I want one of those moments where you know you suffered for seven years but it comes to its end and there is a reward for enduring. I want that beautiful moment of satisfaction to happen and to not dissipate so quickly.
Maybe what I'm saying is I want to hold onto something for once without losing it. I want to grasp something and hold it close without dropping it. I want to hold on because I want something to become familiar and last forever the way God has lasted in my life. I cannot achieve this on my own. I want to be real and I want something real. I want something genuine and true in my life. Something I can look at and believe that I've found what belongs to me. A reward all my own and customized to fit me perfectly.
Dear God...please bring me joy this Christmas because only You know what I truly need and what I truly long for. Only You know my heart.
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