I feel as though I've made quite the mistake. Not that I want to go back in time and change it, but that I needed to make this mistake in order to learn something. I tried justifying everything by using God, just so I could feel better about what I did. I then proceeded to listen to the people around me who stood in agreement to my decision. But the truth of the matter is that I ran.
I needed to run to find myself though. I needed to run back to God and let Him heal me, direct me, and set me straight. It seems as though every time I choose to run, I run right into God and right into my biggest problem. It's much like a slap in the face at times, but maybe God just knows how I work and how I break. To be honest, I really feel like God is now showing me how horrible my ability to run is. It's almost as if He is asking me, "Why do you keep running? Why do you give up right at the end? When will you stop running?"
Today I have experienced a deeper form of guilt. A guilt that got me teary-eyed and on a walk of shame. Not because someone made me feel bad, but because I knew I made a mistake. I ran from something and hurt someone along the way. And I knew I hurt him. I saw it in his eyes, I heard it in his voice, and his words were enough to say that I was handling it in such a cowardly way. I was reverting back to my old habits, doing what I thought is the thing to do. But what have I really accomplished this way?
As for me not to feel completely ashamed of my choice, I believed and still believe that God intended for me to make this mistake. He knew I would handle it this way and I believe He intended to bring good out of it anyway. God works with us as His children. I believe this with my entire heart. He knows we will make mistakes just like He knew after He flooded the earth. We as humans would sin, would mess up, and would come crawling back to Him to beg for forgiveness. God is a loving and powerful God. This comforts me because I know He is willing to work with me with all of my mistakes, failures, and regrets.
What I now understand is that I need to stop copping out and running from my fears. I need to start climbing the mountain with the intention to climb over instead of letting go and falling down again. It seems as though God has been working with me on this for years as if He truly cares so much for me that He'd take this time to keep working around me. He understands I want to run from it all and He understands I'm afraid. But with Him, do I really need to hide? I need to stop listening to the world and start listening to the still but small voice from my loving Father.
I hurt a very special friend in my life. I kept thinking about myself and what was hurting me and then forced myself to ignore his pain when he realized I truly was walking away. I knew him so well, I took the time to hear his story, and then I killed everything that we had without allowing myself to work it out with him. I just copped out. And now, with my big and sensitive heart, I ache over the fact that I knew I hurt him. I believe God is with him, that he will be okay, but it doesn't take that guilty feeling inside of me away.
This has been quite the reality check for me. It feels like God Himself is looking down on me thinking, "Have you not learned that I am God? That I can do all things? That I Am? Are you going love the way I want you to love and then give up last minute because you're afraid? Do you not trust Me?" God isn't a God who makes us take the easy path. I do not believe He guides us to the easy ways. He's a God that says, "Take this road, it's less traveled on because it's much harder, but I can show you My power this way. Do you trust me?" What is that dark path we are so afraid to take? I think God is saying, "Go down that way. Shine your light there. I've got you."
I watched someone else's life get built and broken and when I knew I meant a lot to them, I ripped myself away. I didn't stay to talk it out or face the fear to overcome it. I gave them a friend like they've never had before and then ran. That is the reality. Not for me to look down on myself suddenly, but for me to see that I need to fix this. I need God to come down and mend this broken friendship that I created because I will never overcome my fear by running. I do not want to go on in my life with the idea in mind that when things got too tough, I copped out.
This I pray, that God brings forth the opportunity for this broken part of my life to be mended and put back together. I pray that I can fix my mistake and not run away anymore. I pray that when it gets as tough as it is now, I rely on God to give me strength. I pray that the person I hurt along the way will see that they matter more to me than what I showed. I pray that our time apart can serve a great purpose.
I don't want to run away anymore.
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