When All Goes Wrong.

For the past few weeks, I have lacked a genuine and sincere feeling of joy. It has become incredibly hard to accept that each meaningful and important thing in my life has instead wilted or altered. One thing has remained positive though, in which I highly thank God for, and that is my relationships I hold dear with my mother and sister. But somewhere along the line of life, I have lost the proper image of what a genuine and sincere friend truly looks like. I only crave it because I want to know I can have it. I want to know that I can obtain it instead of destroy the possibilities. When the rocks are continuously falling from the mountain, I simply wonder what happened to the comfort in a true friend.

I crave a sense of freedom. In fact, I now too often beg God for this heavy and painful burden to be lifted. I've spent the past few weeks fighting it all off, fighting my way through, and now I wake up with that one sort of thought that says, "What happened?" Can anyone actually show me the real Jesus? Now, don't get me wrong. I still have friends. I value them all and try my best to remember them. But my confidence I've built up has been threatened and after getting kicked down so harshly I've learned that what I wanted and needed all along was just something true. Something sincere. Something lasting.

Metaphorically speaking, I want one of those warm hugs where you can literally feel cared for and protected. I want this feeling from my Creator and I want to see everything that has gone wrong turn around and change for the better. I want to be better. I want to be great. I want to get so caught up in my talents and passions that no person around me could bring me down. I don't want to be used for the things I'm good at or be treated less than who I believe I am.

When all goes wrong, could this mean that my desires do not line up with my actual life? Could this mean that God has so much more, but I'm just not seeing it? Could this mean that I am aware that I deserve so much more? Or could this mean that I've lost an ability to see? To hope? To believe? I've always been so dependent on God. Being close to God to me is spending time talking to him throughout the day, or praying just to feel better. Being close to God to me means choosing to believe in Him, even when everything looks awful around me. When all goes wrong, could this mean that I'm on the wrong path? Or the right one?

I guess I won't know these answers. I now spend most of my days to myself. I talk to God the most and my mom the second most. I walk alone. I learn alone. Sometimes I'd rather be alone because it's less disappointing or more comfortable. It's not common for me, but it's becoming common now. I've risked getting close to people and I've risked messing up friendships. I've risked these things because I was tired of hiding and I was tired of pretending. I've risked it all and now I sit alone as if there is a missing security in my friendships. And that's the part I'm willing to accept. That's where my prayer begins.

I want something true. Something real. A turnaround in this negative season I'm in. I want a miracle. I want to feel secure. I just want more of Jesus and I'm too tired to try.

Dear God, please help me.