To Back Away.

I know this may be silly, but I have found myself at a place where I cannot help but question why on earth I dragged myself through a tough situation for years. I am nearing my two-year mark of living without that situation, being freed and made new, yet I can't help but feel ashamed. I know I can stand unashamed in front of God, but this human part of me wishes I never had to say I suffered that way. This has caused me to fear loving completely because it always came with tears in the past. How silly is that?

I have now moved on, made new friends, made a new life, but then I had to go and meet an individual who would change my life. And I find myself wanting to love him, even as just a friend, but I can't help but associate that with my choice to love a broken person in the past and being hurt at the same time. I'm so very tired of this because I thought I overcame this. I did overcome this, but these feelings, desires, and human abilities--they remind me so very much of what I already went through. Can't these memories just dissipate? Can they just leave me alone for once?

I'm suddenly finding myself with the want to back away, to pretend this never happened, and to silently confess to him I cannot be his friend. He doesn't deserve to be placed as the friend I could only "wish to love." I want him happy, and I want him to find that happiness and I don't ever want to hold him back from that just because I selfishly wish I could make him happy. I don't want to make him feel like he has to be careful around me. He is too good for that and I wish I could just easily remove myself from his memory so that I never looked for him, never found him, and never cried over the walls I see around him.

God, I am so sorry I've found myself in this hole again. You've worked so hard at fixing me, molding me, and loving me. I've grown so much, I've made it through, and then I decided I would be a great friend to him. I decided I would love despite my fears, give as much as I can, and trust that You wouldn't let me fall. But here I am, realizing I don't think I can actually do this. I forget what You've said to me, and I don't understand Your ways, but surely You wouldn't want me to bring him down because of my lack of confidence and self-security?

I'm still his friend because I don't have the heart to break it, but I'm slowly getting to that one step  before walking away so that he could find what he's looking for because I am not sure I can watch. I'm weak, and I guess what I'm really saying is I need You right now to change my mind.

My Other Half.

One day I'm going to discover the other half of me. The half of me that would make me more weird, but in whole weirdness instead of half. One day I'm going to discover the half of me that understands the things I'm unable to understand on my own. One day I'm going to discover the half of me that sleeps on the left side of the bed when I want the right. One day I'm going to discover the other half of me that thinks logically when I'm stuck with emotions.

In that day I will see that God only knew what I was missing. He won't be perfect. He'll be imperfect. But he'll understand my need for adventure and he'll lead the way. He'll laugh without being rude in his humor and he'll believe in me. I guess this seems like I have the exact image of him, but the truth is...I don't. I just know what part of him will help me see him. He can favor fish over chicken or tea over soda, and we'll be opposite in that--but I won't mind. He can also be just like me and like all the same foods. The point is, I don't care what he'll favor more because I'll value his opinion nonetheless.

But his speech. I long to marry a man full of speech that lifts me up--dare I ever limit myself to the contrary. He'll talk with intelligence in ways I can't and I'll hold onto the things that I know better. We'll teach each other all the things we individually know and become so in sync that the world will be in the most healthy form of jealous. I could be dreaming, but this is what would win my heart over.

I'm going to discover the other half of me that represents God in the ways I just cannot. The masculine side of God I dare not possess and I'll be the feminine part of God that he cannot represent. Together we will be a more complete image of a glimpse of God. This other half of mine will be passionate for God, longing to spread his word in action. We will spread love in all the ways that we can and give the hopeless hope.

One day I'm going to discover the other half of me that will understand how it feels to want this.

Dear Self.

Dear Self,

I feel like I must remind you of a few things because I'm aware of how far you've come from who you once were, and I'd really like you to remain on that path to bettering yourself. First of all, I must remind you of how very human and normal you are when it comes to your concerns, fears, and feelings. Fear happens, crying happens, and desires happen. Because of the fact that you're normal, you should also know that this gives you no reason to ever look down on yourself or be afraid.

Now, I know you're doing better now, but I would desire you to stay that way. Break away as best as you can from the old habits that tend to die hard. Eliminate the rude jokes, don't expect that of others, and be a fun but positive light to the people around you. Get your mind to consciously be aware of these things so that you know to treat people the beautiful way you'd want to be treated. God has placed in your life the people you need at this current moment in your life to help you with those things and I know you're thankful for that.

I also would like to remind you that you're beautiful! You care for people, you like giving people time, and you aim to fix yourself when you know there might be issues you're dealing with. You've grown so much in a year and you shine more often. Believe in yourself and trust that people love being your friend when they say so. You're never "too much" to your true friends because they enjoy you just the way you are. Remain considerate, keep working at things you dislike about your old habits, and smile often.

Also, having feelings is normal. Being nervous around someone you admire is normal. It's human. We are just made that way. It doesn't mean you'll get in trouble, or that they'll dislike you. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you or that you are in the wrong. It doesn't mean anything bad at all! It happens! Someone is going to come along in your life and sure, you'll be nervous, and they'll be great, but someone will come and they'll love you just the way you are. Whether you're nervous or not, you're normal. You're human. You're made with a heart and soul!

Don't forget these things. You're not that past Stephanie anymore. You're not sad. You're not drowning. You're not suffering. You're alive and you're on a better path now. God has taught you so much about unconditional love and He is now mending your wounds and healing some scars that needed healing. He is now showing you how much you're worth and how you've always been worth this. He's showing you true friendship in people and a lot of care because He knows how much you need it. And He loves you so very much that He has not forgotten you or abandoned you!

He's got your back and He's giving you a second chance to now see the beauty in what could have been another tough situation. This is how much He loves you. God has given you who you need to help fix the problems you once had.

You've got this. He's got this.

Sincerely,
Yourself.

My Second Chance.

I'm not entirely sure why I teared up as I walked away, but I did. I'm starting to become more and more convinced that God is giving me a second chance to do everything better. I'm noticing so much progress in me in which I don't fear reactions the way I used to and I don't treat myself as less than I am. I can pretend to make a sad face and I won't be hurt over it by an inconsiderate reaction. I took the hit in the past but the further I become from that time, the more I become a better person.

I made mistakes. A lot of them. It was the first time I found myself in the situation that I was in. He was the first male friend and only male friend for years. I never really interacted with any other guys, simply because I just never really knew them. I let my emotions get the best of me and I cried one too many times. For the record, my heart really hurt a lot. I went through more than I would have imagined, like losing a home, losing friends, and feeling alone a lot. I had nothing really to show for myself for many years.

But here I am finding myself tearing up over something entirely new yet entirely familiar. This time I question if God really is giving me a second chance to take what I've learned and eliminate the past mistakes. What other reason would there be for me to be placed in such a similar place? I'm finding that old Stephanie who loves giving gifts and making music for people show up in a friendship I was slightly afraid of. But I'm praying over it this time so that I won't spend the time in fear. So that I can let my true self come out and not be afraid of it.

I'm not entirely sure why I teared up as I walked away, but I did because I was happy. In that moment I knew I couldn't do to him what I've done before. I couldn't drag him into a sob story or act like he's done something wrong. I just couldn't and I just can't. He's too good of a person with too soft of a heart for me to place him as that part of my life. All I want is to let him be my friend so I can be his in return without blocking him out of fear. Yet at the same time I just don't want what happened to me before happen with him. He deserves so much more than that.

So maybe this really is God giving me a second chance. To have a friend that will treat me right in the areas I was once treated wrongly but at the same time I will have a friend who will treat me well in the same areas I once was treated well before. Because I admit, I miss that a lot. I miss having a friend like him, to be real with, to laugh with, and share differences with. His friendship is such a different influence than anything my female friends could give. He has been such a godsend and I just don't want to drag my past self into this wonderful new friendship.

I guess I cried because I was afraid of my past self. I was afraid she would come back. I really don't deserve him as a friend. I don't deserve him in my life. And yet I merely wish I can become good enough. And why this friendship? Because it feels like my second chance to make things better. To not blame him. To not drag him into depression. To not fear him. To trust God.




























God's got this.

Letter 3-27-14

Dear Future Husband,

I'm writing to admit to you that dating is totally not my thing. I don't mean casual, friendship dates, but the dating the world has come to know. I got a slight glimpse of it (I've yet to finish the blog) and I could tell that God has a totally different path for me. Now, seeing as how I'm writing you, why on earth would I bring up dating? I guess I do wonder how I'll know you, but I can't help but revert back to the mindset I had at fifteen--when I imagined friendship to proposal.

Now, I haven't actually gone through with a real date because I'm much too picky. I guess I have this tendency to be drawn toward something I have to fight for. When it comes easily, it has no value to me. But I did open up again and a guy started talking to me. He was too nice. One of those guys who says everything right and agrees with everything. But for some reason, it felt wrong. It was boring to me, and slightly annoying. I began to run away from it all, recognizing this odd fear inside of me... At school I started looking around at male strangers, realizing how utterly uncomfortable I feel about certain profiles of guys.

They're foreign to me, that's all. I can easily manage conversation with guys, but yet the idea of any type of nearness beyond casual friendship with someone new frightens me. In fact, the nearness in general gets me feeling completely uncomfortable. Not because it's bad, but because I'm not warmed up to it at all. I've never been anything close to a guy besides friendship. And to top things off, I've not really managed real friendships with men at all. I'm barely starting to sort of make friends to help me feel okay about guys.

So to tie this to you, I began to wonder how you would win my heart over. It is because of my commitment to you I made 8 years ago that I've become this picky and I guess it's not entirely a bad thing. It sure saved me from a lot. But I'd like to assure you that I'm now able to really appreciate my decision for the friends-first mindset. I got to really see that I'm not missing out on much by not going on dates or meeting guys like that. I guess I don't even want to meet you that way.

Funny to say this but.... I hope we can be friends. :)

Love,
Stephanie Ann

Letter 3-14-14

Dearest Future Husband,

Well, it is nearly 2am and you've come to mind. I feel like my lack of writing you shows I have stopped wondering. Although that's partially true, I find myself now missing these letters. It helps me to write you, even if I don't know who you are. I just know you're going to eventually be one very important person in my life. I'll keep hoping you come as I'm doing awful staying content without you. It's definitely a constant struggle.

I cannot believe it has been nearly 8 years since I committed myself to you and started writing you. I can't help but imagine you as the type of person who would look at these letters with great appreciation and I will remain hopeful that they'll fill you with love. I hope they mean the world to you because writing you means a lot to me.

I think when we do marry we should consider our lives one big adventure. I think we should make adventures out of everything! I imagine grocery shopping as an adventure, as if it's vacation to us. And I'd want to take long walks and night walks with you. I would see you as a hero in my life and treat you that way. We would take trips as much as we can and photograph ourselves all over the world. I imagine you'll become my favorite subject to photograph, after all. It would be difficult for me to choose to marry someone who dislikes the camera. Because even if that's the case, you'll have to learn to love it. It's my passion, after all.

To continue, we would take adventures into the night and find the best place to see the stars and we would lay there for hours talking about everything that makes us happy and everything that makes us sad. I would always smile at you, even when the world around me falls apart. And if we ever got upset with each other, I would forgive you and we would grow closer. I desire to learn with you, not to mention learning about God even more. You'll be my favorite study buddy and we'll share both of our wisdom we developed over the years apart.

I'm probably going to pick on you just to see you smile or laugh. I imagine your laugh will become my favorite song. I'll look to you when you're around because I'll want to see your eyes shine and I'll want to see you simply smile and nod at me when we agree. Your hugs will become a moment of shelter for me and you'll comfort me as I hope that my response becomes a comfort for you--oh, how I love hugs. I'll buy you gifts of the things that remind me of you and I'll wear your favorite color. I'll cook your favorite food whenever you want and we'll dance until 2am in the kitchen to our favorite song.

I'll find out all of your faults and I'll love you nonetheless. I'll pay attention to you, even if you push me away. I'll run back to you when I have the urge to run away and you'll teach me how to be strong. I'll support you in all that you choose to do and I'll follow you when you take lead. I'll praise you in your accomplishments and mourn when you mourn. I'll love all of you, the good and the bad.

I know this because I'm determined to keep a promise.

I love you already and I look forward to the day you propose.


Your Future Wife,
Stephanie Ann

The Dating World.

I've never really entered the dating world. I can't say I've ever been truly asked on a date, which makes it easy to avoid that particular world. I've always had my reasons. I've been a friends-first type of girl for as long as I could understand relationships. I grew up believing, convincing myself, that I would find the right person through friendship. In my mind, that eliminated dating. Not necessarily friendship-dating, but the straight-forward, "Will you go out with me?" dating. I also convinced myself of how utterly horrible it would be to be like what we see on movies.

For years I managed this so very well. Friendship was completely normal and all I knew. But I suppose I also managed to build a room around me. I was picky, reserved, and shy. Not that anything is wrong with that, but it grew myself away from guys. I developed a comfort zone and stayed in it. It became my only focus on the subject. I lost the idea of actual friendship and associated dating with the bad mental image I gave myself. I'm not sure if this shaped my life the way it has became concerning guys, but I maintained the ability to become somewhat invisible.

I didn't notice them. They didn't notice me. I couldn't read them. They couldn't read me. I played this game to perfection until I became too curious. While looking for potential new friends, I made a mistake and hypocritically joined a dating site. I was entirely against it. I was actually angry that I felt I resulted to such a thing, as if I couldn't befriend anyone in person. Although that was the truth, it was only because I stayed away from any possibilities. It wasn't the world I wanted. Sure, I was dreaming of marriage, but in my mind I would find that through developing a best friend. Someday, I was certain.

My impatience though instead got the best of me. I joined the site, told every honest truth about myself on it, answered practically every question, and searched through profiles as if I was shopping online. I kept asking myself, "What am I looking for? And will I really find it here?" I was looking for a particular human being that I've never met before because I got my mind so very used to that idea. I couldn't be open because I was dead set on my imagination. A fictional character I daydreamed about for years that I was certain would eventually exist in real life. Now, nothing completely crazy or weird, it was just my guess on who I could desire to marry.

With that mindset, I was browsing profiles on a dating website I didn't even choose. I let a junk e-mail determine where I would be and I let the pressure push me to join. I began to think, if I could just know people, this would solve my invisible problem. If I could just put myself out there, I could make new guy friends and give someone a chance for once. But it didn't turn out that way. I quit the site after 10 days of a free trial and only held a conversation with about two guys, only talking outside of the website with one of them until the site cut me off.

It wasn't my scene. It wasn't what I was looking for. I questioned why I joined and regretted it later. It wasn't helping. I wanted to make a new friend in person, not online. Online wouldn't solve anything. My real issue was forgetting how to communicate with sincerity and letting any fear go so I can be myself. I was awful at it and I didn't find out until later. I forced myself to meet the one friend I made from that site. I had this unexplainable boldness and courage with one thought in my head: I have to meet him.

Long story short, I went through with it, and surprisingly, so did he. He was shy yet talkative and extremely respectful. He even went along with my idea of making it like a "hang-out" instead of anything more. He seemed like he could be a friend, and that was enough for me. But I wasn't ready to be his friend. I was afraid. The fear hit me so quickly that I was already drowning in tears before he could take the time to point out his desire for staying just as friends. I could have been honest with him that it was all I desired in the first place, but I was much too hurt to understand anything. I felt as if he forced me to recognize my feelings, my fear, and my lack of ability to understand.

Maybe he read me, I can't say I know. Maybe he just knew I forgot what friendship is. Maybe. But it brought me to a place in my life that showed me I needed to love myself, enjoy myself, and just plain become myself again. It changed my life either way, it inspired me, and it showed me that I am capable of taking a leap of faith and doing something I'm uncomfortable with. It brought me to a new place that I now call home and in return, it got me new friends who are now like family to me.

But although that sounds fine and dandy, with it's nice little happy ending and a story I've repeated millions of times since I've come here, there is so much more going on in my beating heart. It brings me back to my original intent on listening to my impatient self say, "Just join the site, find someone, communicate, and stop hiding." It brings me back to question what is it that I was really hoping for? 

I know it's unhealthy to watch romance movies during a time like this, but it opens a door I've shut. It's for the oddest healthiest reasons because I'm aware of why. I asked myself what I'm lacking and what I'm hoping for. Sure, I talk about friendships, but what will anything more do for me? What is it about relationships that gets me questioning myself so much? I'm getting older, yes. I'm many years into the stage of curiosity. I'm definitely not clueless, and contentment in singleness only lasts so long when you accidentally bottle things up and hide the truth from yourself. I'm content to an extent, but I'm still human and I still wonder.

What part of God do I fail to understand? The part of Him that loves me unconditionally and would do anything for me? What part of my life has given me a good example of that? I suppose my parents have. They did a very wonderful job telling me of my worth. It makes believing and feeling that from God so much easier. But the part where He loves me specifically for who I am and where I am... The part where He holds me close and never lets me go. The part where He whispers in my ear, "I love you." It's like the part of me having a hard time understand what that could possibly feel like. Not because I need someone to show me, but because I haven't had anyone show me that it is foreign. It is a concept I have to try really hard to imagine just to feel it from God. I do believe God will provide that satisfaction, but I've recognized why it's so hard. I've finally realized why it is one of the most complicated concepts to understand.

This ties into the dating world because I now catch myself thinking about feeling special to someone. I think about being on someone's priority list, and giving to them the same amount in return. I think about a day where I can have comfort hugs in a way I've never had before. I think about long conversations into the night about life, God, and all the small things. I think about sharing my talents and having someone believe in me. I think about supporting someone for their passions and making them feel so extremely important. But beyond that, I think about how they would actually find me good enough.

With this honesty comes so many responses though. And they're all the same, for the most part. They will say, "You don't need anyone," and I will respond, "That's not what I said, nor meant." They look past the lack, the pain, and the point. I am expressing a wound, something we've all gained one way or another in our past--and in more than one area. I am expressing honesty to help me come to accept this part of me, not deny it. I am not running from the issue, I am facing it. An ideal response in this moment would be, "I totally understand you and you are completely normal. God designed this in you and He does long to satisfy the emptiness."

This is me finally trying to not hide anymore. To get out of my shell, and open my eyes. I have to let go of the image I put in my head (the image I named Matthew, to be exact.) I have to stop running from people and pretending. I want to be real. I want to be enjoyable. I want to offer myself as a friend in the least. I want to notice someone notice me. I want to be captivating.

I want to be lovely.

love·ly

  [luhv-lee]

adjective, love·li·er, love·li·est.

1.

charmingly or exquisitely beautiful: a lovely flower.

2.

having a beauty that appeals to the heart or mind as well as to the eye, as a person or a face.

3.

delightful; highly pleasing: to have a lovely time.

4.

of a great moral or spiritual beauty: a lovely character.