Change, People, and Myself.

God has changed me in a ways I would have never imagined. He has opened my eyes to things I didn't see before and He has healed wounds I didn't know I even had. He has also helped me look back at my past with mercy, so that I can forgive myself and move on. He has placed in my life the people I need for all this change, and He has taught me something new through each one. Today I am someone that may be still growing, but I'm definitely in a better place. My heart has been healed, and more wounds have been healed as well. God has done a tremendous amount of mending and I still pray for more of it.

It's funny to think about what got me to where I am today. It was curiosity. And maybe slight impatience at one point. I was forced to wait on many things, like being accepted into my current University, or going to England when I did, and also moving out of the house. It all took time, but my curiosity and impatience helped me take a leap of faith. I was so excited and so determined to change my life and God did exactly that for me. But it's funny because I still remember clearly what curiosity I had. My one question was, "Who is out there?"

People can make such a vast difference in someone's life. We need people. God has purpose for all the people on this earth. All the while here I am, one human being, and I have come to really get to know my own heart. It finds comfort in helping people. I love to encourage, deepen faith, and help people feel excited. Happiness and joy is so very important. But at the same time, I've come to understand sorrows, pain, and the many hardships we can undergo in this world. I've had my fair share of battles and trials, and I've also had a nice amount of victories.

God has been changing me to become a stronger person to help others, and I find a nice amount of beauty in that fact. Me? Someone who grew up shy, quiet, and reserved is suddenly talkative, loud, and open? I can't say I've left the shy version of myself--she shows up here and there. But I've been called to speak, to share, and God has showed me that I have a voice and a story to tell. I know that because He gave me this story, and I've been able to use it to help people. I wouldn't change that fact no matter how hard previous trials were. I like to look back and see how much God really did help me through.

I request one thing from God: Send me the people I can speak to and encourage.

Here I am.

Anxiety? Overwhelmed?

Why am I suddenly afraid? I think back on memories, how far I've come, how much I know, and how vulnerable I allowed myself to be. But suddenly I have this urge to run, as if I'm overwhelmed with new feelings that I'm completely not used to. Running is obviously not a rational solution, nor a smart thing to do. Running, in fact, will lead me straight into the problem with the possibilities of making it worse for myself. It doesn't matter how vague I make this to be, I know exactly what I'm speaking of.

Have I put up a wall, or some form of blockage leading into my heart? Or have I put my guard down for the first time? What could possibly be causing this anxiety inside of me? Is my actual fear on letting someone into my heart? I crave a nearness and fear a nearness. This is just not making sense to me. I have dreams that I will have to be with the wrong person, which reveals to me a hidden fear. Am I just simply afraid of letting anyone in? But then it's the sudden realization that I've never quite had the chance to feel it.

There is a world so foreign to me that just a glimpse of it causes me to feel homesick. I'm comfortable in one type of setting, but I'm not here to just live in my comfort zone. I want to step out, I do. But the unknown lies ahead and I'm not sure how I'll handle it. It was fine and dandy beforehand, but what can I say? I know perfectly well how to handle what I'm used to. It's not that anyone is asking me for more than friendship, but it's the idea of it happening. When I actually consider the possibilities of it happening someday, I realize how fearful it oddly makes me feel.

Beyond all of these feelings though, I am thankful that I have a God who cares for me. He will help me through and comfort me when I need it. I've got so much to look forward to, with a new semester in college starting, and some great people in my life to help me along the way. I'm learning how to handle these new situations and let go of past hurt. God's definitely got this. :)

Dearest Two-Thousand-Fourteen.

Dear 2014,

You're just around the corner now, and so I'm finally writing you this letter before we meet. This past year has  been a crazy one for me. I made my own guesses before it came of what it'd be like, and to my surprise it was almost what I predicted, only in many different ways. I followed some dreams, stepped out of my comfort zone, experienced new things, and took many leaps of faith that changed my whole world. I now sit in my apartment writing you this letter to say that I'm utterly excited to accept you.

I'm not sure what you'll bring me, but I have much hope over it. I'm working on holding onto hope, trusting completely in God with the  new things in my life, and also trusting His providence. I've gained and lost many things within one year, so I'm feeling quite ready for a fresh new start. I know you're just another 365 days to count, but the idea of starting over is refreshing, and so you're, in a sense, my excuse.

It's crazy that I had this huge plan for 2013, but for you I have a form of blind faith. I haven't even looked that far ahead. The most that I know is I'm taking a bus trip home, the opposite of what I did a year beforehand, and I'm visiting family and shooting a wedding before heading back for the new semester. I don't think I've even tried looking past that at all! Maybe I'll leave you to be a complete surprise, because I've found my new place and I'm moving along one day at a time. I'm considering counseling at a camp in the summer, so that's one idea. But for the most part, I now have school to keep me occupied 2/3rds of the year.

I do have one request, not that you have the power to grant it. But I really would like to go uphill more often. I don't want to lose anyone again, the way I lost my dad. I'm not sure my heart could take it. I also have many dreams that have seemed unreachable, and I'm still questioning what path to actually take. I'd like to discover that path though, and see what God has for me. I also want to fill the year with a lot more love to give, and to not shy away in fear. I've always dealt with the fear of displeasing people too, and it unfortunately affects the way I think and act. I just want to really be able to love nonetheless to everyone whom God puts in my life.

I look forward to your coming. I guess I'll just let you surprise me.

Sincerely,
Stephanie Ann of 2013.

My Fragile Heart.

Sometimes I feel like a fragile being, as if I'm glass. Ultimately I should be handled with care, but the dangers in this world threaten me. I feel that way because I have this unfortunate fear attempting to build a home inside my heart. Daily I fight it, if only just to live a moment without it. I see myself as a soft and gentle spirit, yet a shy and hesitant soul. There are some dreams I dream that seems so out of reach because I have no idea if I should dream them Yet I do.

Often times it's as if I'm paranoid, thinking I might be doing the wrong thing again. I'm distant at times and I feel so hesitant to fully be myself around male friends, afraid I might get attached again. And it's not the "attached" part I'm afraid of, it's the unrequited attachment I'm afraid of. By that I mean I'm most afraid of befriending someone I'll never marry and falling ever so gently in love. This means that I'm also afraid to even love fully again, as if I'm putting my heart on the line for no reason. If I don't try, I won't fail--says the fear, of course. Yet I know that if I don't try again, I lose the possibility of acceptance. 

It is a risk worth taking, but the scariest risk of my life. I have built up so much love in me, and I have this dire need to give out this love. And yet I'm so afraid, telling myself constantly to fear not. I remind myself on quite the daily basis that God is with me. I can trust Him with my life and my heart and I do not need to fear anything. But my heart is screaming at me, begging me not to attach in any way to someone who might shut a door on it and never invite it in.

All I want lately is for it to all go away--the fear, the lies, the paranoia. I keep thinking that without it I may live a normal life and not wonder constantly, "Is this someone who will be just a friend?" But this is what happened to me, after many years of fighting feelings, I'm now angry at my ability to feel. And yet it's the strongest part of me, and possibly the best part of me. The fact that I have the ability to love someone in their darkest hours, or love when they don't deserve it. It's the best quality I even own and I'm running from it. It's the hardest thing to even accept of myself because I'm fully aware that I have that gift.

Even as I run, I know I'm running right into it. I'm running straight into what I'm afraid of and I know this of myself. I know that my heart will love anyway and I know it'll always forgive. I almost dislike that it always goes against my mind. It makes me feel fragile, vulnerable, and small. It believes that one day I'm going to put my heart on the line and a hero is going to save me from my past fear and prove to me he's different. It believes that because I inevitably encourage my own self, no matter how strong the fear is. I can't help but search for the light at the end of the tunnel, fully  believing that there is an end to this.

I'm walking forward with a tear waiting to fall, and a heart waiting to explode. But I'm moving. With God, I need not fear. With God, there is nothing to fear. With God, I am on my way to greater things. It's just a matter of time that I will break this fear and feel freedom again. My greatest regret would be lacking to love because of it. Therefore I know I must truly look to God, face my fears by trusting Him, and love anyway. God's got this!

2013 in a Nutshell.

God started my year off with something like this, "Go out and find out what I have for you. Have courage. Have faith. Just go." I ended up on a bus to Southern California thinking to myself, "I have no idea what God could do, but I'm excited for it. Anything could happen." I ended up instead meeting a new friend who pointed me straight to God and spoke life into me. I didn't really know the effects of meeting him until later though. It took weeks and eventually months to discover what God was really saying to me. Eventually God began to end the year with the process of eliminating my fears. His last message of the year so far has come to me like this, "I'm bringing you joy, no need to fear."

God has given me every reason why not to fear anymore. He's helping me place the past fully behind me and is teaching me to trust Him all over again. He's teaching me the importance of loving beyond fears, and helping me remember why it's worth it. Not to mention He has placed in my life some amazing people who are helping me grow daily. He's giving me people I need, listening ears, and people I can learn from. He never leaves me alone and never stops loving me.

This year went sort of something like this: Go out, be bold, discover wounds, be broken, get fixed, become healed, accomplish a dream, do the impossible, experience acceptance (into APU), move out, stop running from things, lose a loved one, discover what matters and who matters most, get back up, keep going, find hope, face fears, love again, and DO NOT FEAR.

2013 in a nutshell. I couldn't have asked for a more adventurous year. 2014 is nearing and I'm happy for it. It seems like it'll be a year full of new hope. At least, that's my guess. :)

Past Scars.

I guess I would have never thought at the time that it would affect me the way it does now. I'm learning how to let these scars heal, but they're definitely making themselves known. Each time I come remotely close to a similar setting as something in the past, I feel as though I expect it to go a certain way. It's comforting to know it is not that way anymore, but yet I'm still somewhat broken. Thankfully my brokenness has been bandaged and it's merely time with consistent building that is able to heal me of it.

You see, he wasn't a bad friend. He was good to me. But he had this way of joking and teasing me. For the most part, I tolerated it. In fact, I ignored half of it and "took the hit." There were times that he would give me a glare and say something rude or inappropriate. I learned to just take it as a joke. It didn't matter if it hurt my feelings, he just assumed it shouldn't. After enough of this silent non-intentional abuse, there was a lot of building to do to bring me  back up again.

Now, I'm not talking down on him. But sadly I can see now how afraid it made me. I learned to watch my behavior around him more than necessary. Not that I had bad behavior, because I didn't. But that I might annoy him if I'm too happy and he's not. Or perhaps I would annoy him if I wanted to do a certain thing and he wanted to do his own thing. For the most part, I always let him choose and I always let him lead. I was fine with him leading, yet afraid of being honest with how he'd make me feel if something ever hurt me. I learned to ignore a lot of myself around him. I suppose it helped me become less selfish. In fact, I was always the most giving around him.

His friendship really tested my ability to love. We disagreed on a lot of morals and ways of living. We had two completely different lifestyles, but I avoided arguments as much as possible. If we did argue, I always ended up crying over the fact that I displeased him. He once called me "too submissive" and tied that into how he doesn't believe men and women have different roles. He saw me as a "traditional" type of person and it was another reason why he would never consider being with me. I look back now and am thankful it didn't work out, but the scars somehow still remain.

If I do end up in a similar setting with a male friend now, I react naturally in the one way I grew to know. I was used to minding my distance and not initiating something as simple as a hug. I am afraid to sit too close to a guy and get too excited around them. In my mind I think that they will not want me to be happy over them. Although this is only noticeable with close male friends that I choose to openly get to know, I still notice other areas in my life that it's affected me.

An example of a similar setting is in the car. Recently I was able to ride in a car with one of my closest male friends. Although I know he is not like my past friend, I still act like he will treat me that way. It reminded me of once sitting in the car with the past friend and feeling all that pain inside over our situation. Now I have to remind myself that it is all over. I got used to someone who took complete control over my emotions. Not that he intended to, but I somehow let him.

He would get mad. And when he got mad, he would say rude comments and his jokes would sound too serious. His famous question to me when he was angry was, "Do you think I'm kidding?" I caught a few of these jokes on camera which at the time I accepted it as a joke. But looking back at them today I see how much he was scarring me subtly over time. It's not that he intended to, but I let myself take each hit from him and I pretended that it didn't hurt me. I pretended because I didn't want to look "weak" around him. I didn't want to complain over anything. I didn't want to make him mad at me because I knew it would only hurt me.

When we would take night walks or plan a hiking trip in the hills, he would complain if I didn't wear the right shoes or clothes. He would roll his eyes when I would claim that it doesn't bother me to wear what I was wearing and he would finally ignore it and continue on. I was afraid of being too "girly" around him. It affects me to this day, as if all guys are annoyed with the same things. If I fell behind, he would keep walking and very rarely wait for me. When he did wait, he would either make a joke complaint, or insist I hurry up. It almost felt like he didn't believe he should consider my own feelings or strength and weaknesses. I pretended half the time like I was fine, and I'd hurry to his side.

There also came the times when he'd ignore me or lack to respond to text messages noticeably and I'd later find out that he was doing it on purpose. Therefore I knew that "lack of texts" means it's "on purpose" and it is so hard to ignore those thoughts with the friends I have today. Some times when we'd hang out, he would be on his phone quite a lot and I'd just silently be off to the side, pretending like it didn't matter to me. But yet I was afraid half the time that he didn't really want to be around me. I began to believe that he'd rather be with other friends. Maybe he liked who I was, but he didn't like all of me.

He openly stated that he resented a part of me. I knew it was the part that didn't agree with his chosen lifestyle, but I chose to keep those thoughts silent. I didn't let them determine anything, really. I still chose to be loving and forgiving. But it didn't matter. He still resented me and yet kept my friendship. It always boggled my mind why he kept my friendship. He said he valued it, and I suppose I believed him. But little did I know it was hurting me more than I actually thought.

After a year of friendship he actually started purposely avoiding me, I really never knew why until the two months passed and he confessed it. Then after four years of friendship he decided we'd part ways and we spent three months of no friendship until I found out his mom died. After that we built up a friendship again and I was always there for him. And then I got my hopes up on accident only to be kicked down all over again with the words, "I will never wake up and realize that I love you." He really knew how to make sure I was aware that nothing would ever happen. It's good he was honest, but it doesn't mean it hurt any less. It's not that I wish he would have said otherwise, but that I wish I didn't have to go through it at all. But I did, and I guess I'm stronger now.

Eventually he hid his whole other life from me and lied to me a lot. He wasn't quite open with much. When we would talk, he would be a great listener, but he could never say much about himself. He couldn't, I guess. He acted like a different person around me--like an edited version that I wouldn't be "offended" by. It seems that was his mindset, at least. He was afraid of hurting me, even though he already hurt me a  lot. But eventually I built up anger and felt awful for it... It led him to being honest though and I found out he was actually dating someone and wasn't available to help me because of it. After all those excuses he finally admitted the truth as to why he was too busy suddenly. I felt I was losing the close friendship--I wish I didn't try so hard to hold on.

I got used to him though. For five years, he was the only guy I ever knew. Everyone around me knew it was killing me inside toward the end, but they learned to be silent. I eventually gave up in being strong and gave in to all of my emotions. I said the words "I can't do this anymore" too often and "Don't let me go one more day with this pain, God." I was too broken to even try anymore. I couldn't figure out why I felt so stuck to this particular human being until I gave it all up to God one more time and it all vanished. The battle, the pain, the attachment--gone.

I was left with so many scars, a wounded heart (thankfully now healed) and a lot of fears. The fear of rejection was planted. The fear of being attached to a male friend. The fear of even making a new friend. I chose to finally ignore it and prayed God would send me a Christian friend instead. I didn't know the answer anymore. I kept wanting to run. It always seemed like the easiest answer.. To just run away and never try anymore. If I tried, I would fail again. I was too afraid to make a new friend. I just wanted the right person to come along and treat me with actual godly love. But I was hesitant. I was afraid. I felt "ruined." I had every desire to love again, and yet I could sense this block. Something causing me to hold back and love less.

But see, now I'm in a different place in life. The friends I do have now all build me up and help me believe that I'm fully accepted and loved. I receive compliments that mean the world to me and love that feels real. I now pray that God can take these scars away so that I could love more with the heart that he has given me. I don't want to treat any guy as if they'll treat me the same. I don't want to just run from them when I get afraid of my own feelings. I want to be normal again. I want to overcome this. I want to believe in myself again. I want to know that it's okay--that the past won't repeat again...

Highest of Highs and Lowest of Lows Year.

It's quite outstanding to take in the fact that I will be taking a bus trip to my hometown in January, making it the opposite of taking a bus trip down here almost a year ago. I could have never guessed this would be the case at the time, but that's what makes me see how capable God is of changing lives. I had a feeling that the year of 2013 would be a year of unexpected surprises. And that's exactly what it became.

This year I reached the highest peak and the lowest valley. I stood on top of a mountain in utter joy and hit rock bottom with tremendous sorrow. All within a year, I went all over the spectrum of feelings. What God has done for me this year is beyond words. I cannot explain in enough detail how it has transformed me.

Last Christmas I decided that all I wanted was a smile on my face. I started gaining hope that great things would happen and that change would come in my life. It certainly did come, but in ways I definitely didn't imagine. I grew Christmas cheer at last minute and then packed my bags to go on a journey the second day of the New Year. It really did feel like God intended I get that bus ticket just to say, "Here. Go find what I have for you."

It literally changed my life. To look back now helps me see how much it was from God. I remember the feeling I received when I questioned the trip. I just knew I had to go. I remember the person I met that inspired me and little did I know how significant he'd really be. God was handing me the tools and people I needed because He had this grand adventure awaiting me all because I stepped forth in wonder. All because I took those leaps of faith. And He rewarded me because of it.

So here I sit, in my apartment, about to finish my first semester at Azusa Pacific University, and I can only smile at the me one year ago. Little did she know. She was merely searching for something new. She was trying to find her place in this world. To belong somewhere. To know someone. To speak out. To tell a story. And she made it there.

Yet this year I feel something different. I feel like God is now saying, "You've made it to where I want you. Now wait as I bring something new." He has healed me from past wounds, mended my broken heart, and is helping me overcome fears. He is showing me the beauty of Him and His glorious power. I can only think, "What does 'something new' even mean?" But I await with excitement because I do not doubt how capable He is of lovely surprises. He knows what we need. And that's really all that matters.

He's bringing me something new.